Reply to Is this gaslighting? And why does he do it?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Is this gaslighting? And why does he do it?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
This is not gaslighting. He is pedantic and somewhat stubborn, which I know because my husband is the same way. However, it rarely upsets me (he's always been this way). Occasionally I get exasperated, especially if he's just in a mood and is nitpicking everything. But in those situations, I just give him a very specific look and he says, "Am I being pedantic again?" and I say "Yes!" and we both laugh because we've been married a long time this is just how we are.

I recommend finding some humor in these interactions and learning to let each other know when your little annoyances (we all have them) are crossing a line.

I have been married to him for 21 years. He has never, ever, in all that time, admitted to a single flaw or mistake. He points out mine though. In fact, he gets quite angry when I'm wrong about the stupidest things (he became quietly enraged last week when I said I didn't think the space heater in the basement had a remote control--I had never laid eyes on it, how was I to know?).

Severe depression or a form of repressed trauma and growing hostility from you.

He hasn’t worked in 7rs
He has been unable to respond to authorship email guidance
It weighs heavily on him if he lost children due to work or home inadequacy
It sounds like misplaced anger that is growing.

He needs help. Especially while locked down at home. It is exasperating everything.
If he sits on a trust fund he may have felt a stronger need to prove his value/worth/intelligence
Amd he is getting old. Old habits die hard.[/quote]

OP, i kind of feel like you buried the lede. You are worried about his argumentative nature as gaslighitng and are equally focused on being 'right' (which is a dynamic that takes two) but [b]the bigger issue is that your husband is depressed, unemployed, sitting on a trust fund he wont touch...and you mentioned loss of newborn? (?)).[/b]

If he is gaslighting ,it's likely part of a larger defensive mechanism to block out painful things and a manifestation of his depression.

[b]It seems like either he gets some serious help or, if he is unable or unwilling to do this, you decide whether you want to live this way/with him or not. But engaging in low level verbal sparring is not going to achieve anything[/b].

related: my husband, when stressed out, gets stupidly argumentative over little things. I've learned to internally roll my eyes and let it go (unless it involves some issue with real consequence). its annoying and if I'm feeling frustrated I will fight back and then we get into these incredibly stupid and petty arguments over stuff like this. DH will INSIST that he's right even if he's not (although the invention of google has changed his insistence). But, I would say, that this happens only occasionally and its when we are going through a stressful time. It would be hard to be around someone like this all the time, but recognize that underneath there is something deeply scary and painful that your DH is trying to avoid by constructing a world in which he is right (and powerful, and a provider and worthy) and you are not. While it may seem like his unemployment and refusal to use the trust fund comes from stubborness, I am guessing in fact that these things are deeply shameful and internal his sense of self is weak, so he builds it up by constructing a world in which he is "right.'  The anger is fear.

[/quote]

+1[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics