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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I've got one of those rare marriages where my husband actually does half, it's amazing, and I feel awful for everyone else. You truly have my sympathies. Especially those who had husbands who seemed to be doing their half before marriage/kids and then it all fell apart. Totally sucks.

That said:

[b]1) I would not put up with it. Do your half or I'm out. It's not something I would learn to live with.[/b]

2) I also knew when dating that this is a big issue, so I was looking for someone who would do this, and we had LOTS of conversations about it while dating, engaged, newlywed, and pregnant.

3) There is an element of giving up control that you need to accept to have this marriage. My husband is in charge of all baby food. He does NOT do it the way I would - not as many veggies. Everything is store bought Gerber. He's introduced foods a bit willy-nilly, without following a plan or anything. But I don't say a damn word. Because it's done, it's great, and I literally just feed my kid what my husband puts on the counter for me. I never even think about it. That's a win. [/quote]

You have zero idea of the bolded is true.  Zero.  Divorce with children is a big, big deal, and it’s so much easier to say what you’d do when you’ve never faced this situation.  I’m not even in a position where I’m considering it, but I have enough friends who have to see up close that it’s nowhere near as simple as you make it out to be.

Point two: plenty of people discuss this stuff during dating, and then things change once they have kids.  People get sick, or have a kid who activates certain tendencies, or just find it a hell of a lot more stressful than they anticipated.  You can talk beforehand until you’re blue in the face; if you haven’t had to deal with things changing in the moment, have some empathy for those who have.

Point three, sure.  [/quote]

+2
[/quote]

Hi, I'm the poster who put the three points above, which I noticed have caused a lot of great discussion on this thread, which is great!

I want to address some of your counter points. Yes, I know that plenty of people talk about this stuff and then they have kids and things change, and I have tons of empathy for them. In fact, that's what I lead with in my comment - that I absolutely feel for people who are in this position, it must be so, so difficult.

As far as splitting up - I'm aware that it's very difficult. My parents divorced when I was a child. Obviously I can't know for sure how I would behave in a certain situation (no one can see around corners), I still believe that I would choose to end the marriage. Note that I'm saying that I would do that - not that I'm telling people in these situations that's what THEY should do - everyone is doing the best with what they've got. And in no way do I think divorce is easy or simple. However, I know myself pretty well, and my limitations, and I know that I react very poorly to being taken advantage of, and I know that resentment absolutely corrodes a marriage, and I am pretty confident I would choose divorce if I was in this position.

Absolutely no judgement whatsoever on others who opt for another path. It must be an absolutely incredibly difficult position to be in.

Oh, and the PP who said "you'd divorce over emotional labor?" is wrong - it's not just emotional labor, it's physical labor (as someone else pointed out) and it's actually more than that - it's disrespect, dismissiveness, and a lack of true partnership. Of knowing that someone else has your back. That's what would do it for me.[/quote]

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