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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I've got 3 kids, all teenagers.  The oldest and youngest are boys with ADHD/anxiety.  We've had lots of therapies and interventions over the years and have worked with great professionals.  My older DS has a long history of being cruel and rude to my younger DS.  It has nothing to do with how we have parented them or how we treat the kids.  It has everything do do with my older DS' personality, ADHD and, especially, his anxiety.

Younger DS' challenges are far more significant than older DS' and older DS is embarrassed by him.  Because of his own insecurities, ADHD and desire to 'control' things, older DS lashes out at younger DS.  As I've said, we've worked with professionals to address and understand this and we've worked hard at collaborative problem solving.  Yet, cruelty and bullying is unacceptable, especially within a family.  It's gotten better as the kids have gotten older but we have definitely had to impose and enforce acceptable behaviors.  There have been times where they boys have positive interactions, particularly when they're playing video games but I doubt they'll be close as adults.  We can, at least, assure our home is supportive and civil. [/quote]
As a parent of a young adult that has severe social anxiety and had it since 4, imo, it is not the adhd. It is all anxiety, 100% in my ds's case. The need to control is anxiety, embarassed is anxiety. DS is in CBT and takes Lexapro and his relationship with his sister is as if they are best friends now. 3 years ago, it was terrible. DS's anxiety was so off the charts that I was scared one day that he will hurt dd and me. We had a talk, when he calmed down, about how I understand what is causing him these issues, but that simply we can't live afraid in our own house. It came to that point, that he understand that if he continues with this behavior, hewill need to move out. We would have provided resources, but we could not be hostages in our house. DS did not want to be like that, and with work and therapy and meds things started to improve. Now, I have no idea how bad anxiety is with your kid, but my DS was like a war veteran and the world was war zone with danger everywhere. He could not see the world and people as just that.
It seems like you are able to handle your kids and provide help for your ds. I just wanted to post that, imo, it is anxiety, and if your ds is on stimulants, his anxiety is worse, so much worse. Once my DS got his anxiety under control, we realized that he never had adhd.(adhd meds caused the insane breakdowns) All he needed was CBT and anxiety meds. He is now able to enjoy life, understands jokes, teases me.
I did not post to criticize you, just to tell you what worked for us and for DS. [/quote]

I'm the PP you're responding to.  For us, it's a combination of the ADHD and anxiety.  Even when his anxiety is well controlled, older DS struggles to self-edit and to self-limit.  We've worked really hard on getting him to pause before speaking and to be mindful when he's on 'auto pilot'.  It impacts all of his relationships, not just with his younger brother.  My DH (their father) also has ADHD and sometimes struggles in this area, especially when he's having an emotional response to something.  Anxiety, of course, is also a huge component and, together with the ADHD, can be a horrible combo.  Thanks for posting. [/quote]

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