Reply to If you were a stepparent who divorced, did you feel used by your spouse and stepkid(s)?

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Reply to "If you were a stepparent who divorced, did you feel used by your spouse and stepkid(s)?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote] Anyone who marries a divorced man with a living ex wife and children is crazy.

Investing in children who are not your own is fundamentally at odds with human nature[/quote]

Kind of wondering what the reaction would be if you reversed the genders here and said “you’d have to be crazy to marry a single mom, it’s fundamentally at odds with human nature”...[/quote]

Most men will not marry a woman with children and they are crazy if they do unless it is spelled out in a legally binding agreement that [b]he is not responsible for any of their expenses.[/b][/quote]

which creates some truly heart breaking situations. It is cold hearted to be rigid about it.

Imagine a kid living in a home worth $1m+ in the suburbs but his dad is poor and has developed mental problems that are going to make it hard for him to keep a job. Mom works and struggled to manage for the family. Mom and dad divorce when kid is a toddler. Mom marries guy who is also divorced and has a son and is well off. Mom and new guy have a child. Step dad is rigid that he is not going to pay for someone else's child. He is a nut about his money not going to her son. Kids are in middle school and everyone sees step dad's bio son has everything he wants. Mom's son lives like a pauper in this ridiculous house. The step sons are close in age and are forced to spend lots of time together. Dad's son has money to do everything while mom's son gets to sit and watch. Mom's son gets to sit and watch his entire life. When mom and step dad have a child, that kid gets new clothes, toys etc. Mom's son does not. Mom's son lives with this his whole life. How is this ok? I've seen this situation twice with my kid's friends. [/quote]

It is really on mom who has brought her son into this situation. Why would you marry a guy like this.[/quote]

This, how is this even an issue.  Mom choose to put herself in a situation and she needs to support herself given she has no housing costs.  She can work and save her money and spend it on her son.  Dad can apply for disability and kid can get a portion.  As a stepparent, kids have two parents.  I am not one of them and I have my own kids to care for.  When in my home I will buy them clothing but I feel no obligation to pay for college and if mom chooses not to spend the child support on the kids, I'm not taking away from my child to send extra money (which we have done) and it not go to the kids needs (we learned to offer to buy what they need vs. cash).  It goes many different ways.  And, in our case, I'd rather send the money to mom's boyfriend's (AP) ex who really struggles for legit reasons and needs/appreciates the help (and we have sent clothing to her kids as boyfriend/Dad refuses to pay child support).[/quote]

So wait a minute. In the example above, two kids live in the same house, not across the country, and there is also a new child mom and her new husband have together.  You are telling me the husband is justified buying things for his son and their joint child but not mom's child. What else? paying for his brother's activities, travel, hobbies, toys but the stepson is all on mom?

Look, if the guy has a philosophy of not ever paying for the children not his own, I admire that, but marrying a mother in these circumstances is a bad match for him.  I'm very pro step-parent but this type of attitude is just cruel if a kid observes it on a daily basis. [/quote]
The scenario you painted above does happen and there are kids who grow up like that.
I bet that the other kids accept it that this one child is being treated badly and also start to mimic the adult behavior.
The other kids are still just kids, but later in life regret being such brats, even though that bad behavior is in part being supported by the parents, family culture

Overall it is toxic for everyoy[/quote]

So because this guy married a divorced mom, he’s expected to foot her son’s expenses? That’s crazy and sets up a dynamic of using the stepparent. It’s not like he’s denying the kid any food. He is drawing appropriate boundaries and protecting himself from being a schmuck in case they do divorce. [/quote]

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