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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

My husband said a lot of this. And it baffled me until we did therapy and he expressed that he saw parenting and household stuff as a thing he was doing for me, not as something we both have equal responsibility for. That was why he expected gratitude but didn't display it, and why he didn't feel an intrinsic sense of responsibility. He is also very sensitive to criticism, so it was very difficult for him to say to himself, "I messed up, I'm doing my best to make it up every day because I want to be a good parent and partner," so he'd move between self-loathing and "I didn't do anything wrong." It was hard for me to want to be physically intimate with someone who wanted me to comfort and reassure him and minimize my own needs, sexual and otherwise.[/quote]

My own feeling is that it's a bit of both.  In truth, neither my wife nor I are particularly diligent about household chores.  I am less sensitive to mess, but my wife also has a propensity toward clutter.  There are tasks that are clearly mine.  I make the meals (although we now often just do Yummly for kids' meals instead of a full-blown family dinner).  I do the dishes (but do let them pile up too much).  I do much of the shopping, although my wife has started ordering delivery.  If an errand requires a special trip, I'm the one who goes out.  I get the kids ready to go to school in the morning.  I'm also most likely to take the kids to a doctor's or hair dresser's appointment or a friend's birthday party, though she is more likely to handle the emotional labor of setting those things up.  My wife does most of the laundry and handles most of the finances (though I have offered to have a sit down to see if we could transition that to a process where we're both more involved in that).  We have a maid who now comes weekly as opposed to bi-weekly, which helps. And I'm aware of the fact that even though it may feel to me like I'm contributing, I'm probably discounting how much falls to her.

But there are other things that seem more to do with how my wife wants her life to be.  She has taken up gardening and taking care of houseplants.  She deserves a hobby to be sure, but it means that even when we're both home on the weekends, I'm generally the guy "watching" the kids.  Too often, I do that while watching stupid YouTube videos or playing crosswords or something.  So I know my wife gets frustrated that I'm "checked out" of that duty.  But I'm also letting her have an entire Saturday afternoon to putz around with her plants.  So the criticism is grating on me.  I do take it too personally.  I try not to.  I've put a lot of work in both individual and couples therapy into that.  But it's hard in the same way the losing a bunch of weight can be hard. Sticking to the process day after day can be hard, particularly when you have a long way to go.  And, at least for me, it's harder when you feel that your own concerns and disappointments in the way the relationship works are "off the table" until some later, ill-defined time.[/quote]

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