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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

ADD isn’t just a chores division thing. It’s a frame of mind, i.e. he just doesn’t understand why his way of doing things is exhausting to you. The lack of commitment thing is key. As the responsible partner, that lack of commitment keeps you from being able to plan something. There’s also the fear that the ADD spouse will not follow through even when you get a verbal commitment. When you have kids and/or pets, you know they will pay the price for your being so ‘selfish’ as to think you can have some time to pursue something for yourself. I put selfish in quotes because, of course it’s NOT selfish at all, it’s just with an ADD spouse, it feels selfish to even try.

I get the same promises, and he either forgets (despite constantly asking for the dates for his calendar, etc) or simply ignores the commitments with the sheepish “I forgot” look, with you left wondering if he really did forget....[/quote]

I think it's exhausting for both sides.  I'm the (male) ADHD partner.  I am certainly aware that my wife would like me to be more on top of chores. I'm messy and disorganized.  And if I get drawn into something, even if it's something that I recognize to be pretty trivial (like posting on a message board) it's frustrating to be brought out of that with a request.

The flip side, however, is that from my perspective, my life is now a never-ending list of things my spouse wants me to do and/or feels I do incorrectly.  I had never heard of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria before reading the link earlier in this thread, but it appears to describe me pretty well.  And what happens is with jobs and kids, my spouse is (understandably) asking more of me while also expecting me to ask less of her with regard to physical touch or just prioritizing our relationship.  So it's exhausting.  Because it feels like I'm constantly failing someone who doesn't seem to like me much anymore and who doesn't give me credit for what I have done.

I imagine that I fit a lot of the male patterns here when I try to improve.  I try, but I grow disillusioned quickly as further rejections or criticisms pile up.  Eventually, it feels like I'm on a months or years-long audition to make my spouse give a crap about me, and I inevitably lose the motivation to keep trying.  And I don't know the answer.  I'm not suggesting the OP is wrong to feel frustrated and let down.  ADHD sucks.  Medication helps a bit.  Therapy helps a bit.  But it's always a struggle.  Every day.  [/quote]

My husband said a lot of this. And it baffled me until we did therapy and he expressed that he saw parenting and household stuff as a thing he was doing for me, not as something we both have equal responsibility for. That was why he expected gratitude but didn't display it, and why he didn't feel an intrinsic sense of responsibility. He is also very sensitive to criticism, so it was very difficult for him to say to himself, "I messed up, I'm doing my best to make it up every day because I want to be a good parent and partner," so he'd move between self-loathing and "I didn't do anything wrong." It was hard for me to want to be physically intimate with someone who wanted me to comfort and reassure him and minimize my own needs, sexual and otherwise.[/quote]

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