Reply to 17 year old son planning on tricking us to spend night with gf -gf’s parents away

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The thing that actually jumped out at me from your post, OP, was that he "berated" you. That's totally unacceptable. Nobody should berate you. Not ever. The lack of respect in the form of insults and outright lies -- this would be a cause of grave concern for me.

How would you react if you husband berated you or lied to you? Without suggesting that your reaction should be the same, this is a useful frame of reference. Because you are preparing to launch this person into adulthood, and your reaction should therefore be somehow congruent with another trusted adult berating your and lying to you.

As for the posters who ask you to focus on your relationship with your child as you prepare to send him off -- I agree, but I see the other side of this: Do you want to have a relationship with him where he lies to you, does not respect your wishes, berates you -- and you just let him, because you don't want to rock the boat?

OP, you deserve more from your son. You deserve more from yourself.

It's time for a frank conversation with your son. The question shouldn't be what power you're going to wield in order to coerce him into compliance (i.e. "consequences", i.e. punishment.) Rather: what kind of relationship do you want to have with each other? Tell him how it feels to be deceived. Tell him how it feels to be insulted. Tell him that you will always love him, and also you will not tolerate being treated that way. Or will you? Be honest with yourself: What are you willing / not willing to put up with? What are the very real and likely consequences here? Not, what am I going to do to him if he doesn't comply, but, how am I going to protect myself in a relationship in which the other party is not being respectful?

On the cusp of adulthood, I would insist on being respected, and I would also look hard in the mirror and see if I am treating my child with the respect I am asking for myself. Are you listening to him? Or are you dishing out rules and punishments in a way that might feel infantilizing or arbitrary? The question isn't whether the rules are restrictive or permissive, but why is this about rules at all? There is an underlying "why" to all of the rules. Is your child aware of these? Do you talk about it? Does he take responsibility for his actions?

Our job is to launch them into adulthood. We don't do it all at once, in one fell swoop. At 17+, he should be making his own decisions and communicating with you, and you should be there as a sounding board, to help his baby-adult brain connect dots he may have missed, to help him see what he may have missed. We want them to be able to come to us for advice, we want them to make their own good decisions.

I don't care a whit whether he sleeps here or there, is home at 9pm or 1am or 7am the next day. What I care about it how he treats the people in his life, and in particular the people who support him and love him and on whom he depends. [/quote]

OP here. Thank you. This is such a helpful post which is helping me to focus on the real issues. This is why I posted in the first place. To see if I was off base. It I was being unrealistic in my expectations for a teenage his age  and your point about whether my parenting is infantilizing him/arbitrary lies at the heart of what I was trying to convey in my OP.

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I'm glad you saw this OP, this is really the best answer and most of what you need to know. A lot of this is normal, I did similar things right around this age, but that doesn't mean it's okay. My parents responded very very similarly to this poster with a focus on the hurt it causes and the deception. We worked together on solutions and what would happen going forward. They treated me like a human being, with needs/wants (to see my friends, have freedom, whatever - for your son, it's to see a girl he is probably very infatuated and maybe even in love with), but also were very clear on boundaries within our family and the expectations of how I am expected to treat others including them. This mutual respect continues in our relationship today. You've got this OP! It will probably be multiple convos, not just one. And you need your husband on board.[/quote]

pp here. some other ideas, instead of coming to him with a punishment, or to give him a lecture, make sure that it is a conversation and try to get him to lead. Be honest and open. "I'm worried about our relationship, what do you think would help? " Try to really listen to him. You have said you're just totally flabbergasted by this behavior, try to remember it is still your kind, sweet kid in there, pull those feelings out. Approach the conversations with openness and genuinely showing him you want to understand, that you trust his feelings are equally as important and valid as your own. Ask him if he loves his girlfriend, and if he says yes - say, how wonderful, what an amazing feeling that is. I'm so happy for you that you have found someone you feel like that with. etc etc. Show him this isn't a power struggle. But then also express how he has hurt you, and what you expect of him as a blossoming adult. Help him see that the way he treats others is just about the most important thing you have to teach him and that is your focus. And that you won't accept it in your home. If his responses are that he should be able to do what he wants, when we know that's obviously not an option, maybe there is more digging to do. Keep working at it. What would make him feel happy and keep the relationships intact.[/quote]

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