Reply to Daughter's Behavior Toward Parent/Family and Attitude vs Gratitude

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[quote=Anonymous][b]I am the OP.[/b] Please see my responses below...

[quote=Anonymous]OP, it’s great that you are really thinking about this and open to ideas.  I am confused reading what you proposed to say to your DD as to whether the college money is conditioned on improved behavior or not.  And if I can’t tell what you mean it’s not likely she will be clear on it either.  What does “I will not stand for this vicious behavior” actually mean?  I like the condition of therapy, with her therapist if she wants, and the focus on process and trying to heal the relationship rather than results.  [/quote]

My thought was that I would promise to meet the EFC so that if accepted, she would be able to go to her top choice.  I will make this more clear in the conversation and the letter I give her.

I wasn't going to make the 8 therapy sessions a "condition", but instead an "ask" which puts some responsibility on her to come to the table and be part of the CHOICE to heal whatever issues we have.  Thoughts?

[quote=Anonymous]
But beyond going to therapy, what consequence do you envision for continued mean behavior?  Aunt won’t want to be around her?  You won’t want to be around her?[/quote]

The consequences would be there are no more "extras".  Example - she treats me like a POS and shows disrespect or rudeness, then when asked for anything such as rides anywhere besides school, money for any non-school item, weekend night-out privileges, sleepovers, etc.  The answer is no.  I have already stopped the process of getting her drivers license due to the most recent episodes.

Extreme disrespect would result in a grounding and possibly shutting down of cellphone (which is tough because they are legitimately required for some of her academic extra circulars).

[quote=Anonymous]Unfortunately, because of the divorce, any withdrawing on your end risks “confirming” the “he doesn’t really love me/want me/care about me” feelings from the divorce. [/quote]

I would never "withdraw" emotionally.  I would just be a guy in the house who doesn't go out of his way to make her life easier and require more involvement in household chores.  :-)

[quote=Anonymous]
 That may be completely unfair, and between 25 and 40 she may figure out how many things you did to try to make the whole thing as easy as possible for her, but teen hormones and lack of long-term vision is ABSOLUTELY at play here.  I love your reference to Good Will Hunting.  That is really a perfect comparison to what you’re going through.  And like Will she is, ultimately, a scared kid who doesn’t really know what the f she’s talking about.  It’s good if you can maintain that perspective.[/quote]

I'm trying.  I keep watching that scene and it really helps.

[quote=Anonymous]She may also be scared about going to college.  Scared of failing to measure up at her “dream” school, scared of moving away from home, etc.  A part of her might be trying to sabotage the college dream with the excuse of “can’t pay for it” rather than worry about whether she can really hack it.  Again, like the divorce issues, these are possible unconscious motivations that may or may not actually be why this particular kid is acting out in this particular way.[/quote]

I agree.  She is often pretty buttoned up and this is a topic of discussion between her mother and I.  I have really tried to create a space where she can talk to me, but I know most teenage girls don't want to share anything intimate with their dads, so I'm just quietly hanging in the kitchen whenever she needs me ;-)

[quote=Anonymous]
  It’s also possible she was raped or suffered some other significant trauma she’s hiding from the family.  Not necessarily likely, but there’s something she’s hiding/afraid to say that hurts.  And it’s interfering with your relationship with her.  And maybe it’s concrete like a rape or maybe she won’t even understand it until she’s 30 because it’s mixed up feelings left over from the divorce that she just doesn’t have the capacity to fully understand right now.

Good luck.  I like to believe some day she will appreciate your perspective much better than she does right now and see what you tried to do for her.[/quote]

Thank you so much!  This was really helpful.[/quote]

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