Reply to Daughter's Behavior Toward Parent/Family and Attitude vs Gratitude

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[quote=Anonymous][b]I am the OP.[/b]  Please see my responses below...

[quote=Anonymous]I like most of your intended discussion with your DD.   I would put it in writing, and probably online.  This is because it is so much to digest; it needs to be reviewed; re-read...and probably bounced off her peers who will cool her off.  [/quote]

Wow, you make a great point and this is a good idea.  Thank you!

[quote=Anonymous]My DH needed to have a hard conversation with my SIL, years ago.  He put it in an email.  I didn't like that there would be a record, frozen in time. But he planned for that.  He did this because he said, if he spoke with her, her memory of the conversation would be all twisted, and only parts of it would be retained.  But in an email, she can read it 100 times, and every single time, it would say the same thing, nothing more, nothing less.[/quote]

This is really good advice and I really appreciate it.  I think I may have an abbreviated conversation with her and then hand her a letter, telling her that I'm giving it to her because it's really important to me to communicate this clearly to her and I didn't want anything to be lost or misunderstood in conversation.

I will write it in the most loving way possible while still being clear that this isn't about parental authority, it's about the fact that when you hurt someone through disrespect and unkindness, you can't expect their support when you're in need.

I think I'd do this on paper because knowing what I do about teenagers and technology, it may get forwarded to who knows how many people.  I remember my dad once said "Don't write anything down that you wouldn't want the whole world to read."

I have a feeling she'd also run and show it to her mom/my ex, but I guess that's ok because I'm just being open, honest, and saying what's my heart.  D17 would probably also treat it like a binding contract knowing her and throw it in my face when she felt the need! LOL.   But if I make the commitment to pay for school in my heart and mind, then I guess who cares.

[quote=Anonymous]Now with respect to paying for her college, just pay it OP.  You are choosing to put your foot down at the wrong time and it's too strong a punishment.  Just get her fledged and on the road to living independently.  If she's still horrible, after the teen hormones etc die down, then you can then withold financially and there will be no boomerang-to-your-basement effect.[/quote]

You are right and I came to this conclusion after speaking with some friends, as well as reading some of the more rational and non-attacking posts in this thread.  But I know for a fact, there will be no "boomerang-to-my-basement effect"... this kid is the definition of ambition and independence.

[quote=Anonymous]And remember, teens push hard against their parents to make sure they are there for them, and she is pushing really hard, probably because she feels (rightly or wrongly) that you've abandoned her in the past.  She is probably highly verbal, and the highly verbal girls are the worst.  Because any skill or ability a teen has can be weaponized; in this case, she's weaponized her mouth.  It can be rough.  But she may not even know it--that she is testing you, daring you to abandon her again.  Don't abandon her.  Be her rock.[/quote]

You are 100% right.  Thanks for pointing this out because it was good to hear again.

I have long said that no matter what she said or did to me, even when she refused to speak to me for months at a time: I would never turn my back on her, the door to our home and my heart would always be open, and no matter how hard the waves of anger crashed against me, I would be a rock and never stop loving her.[/quote]

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