Reply to Daughter's Behavior Toward Parent/Family and Attitude vs Gratitude

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[quote=Anonymous][b]I am the OP.[/b]  Please see my responses below...

[quote=Anonymous]From your post you clearly had an affair.[/quote]

I did not have an affair.  Neither did my ex.  It's dumbfounding to me that people are making this assumption.

[quote=Anonymous]
  This child is hurting.  She is hurting a lot and what you and mom are doing isn't working.  You and mom, since you say you have been an active parent, have not been meeting her needs.  If you had an affair, you don't realize the trauma and hurt from it.  Granted, you cheated on her mom, but the fallout is you destroyed your marriage which impacted every family member.  And, if you cheated, which your post makes us suspicious of, you need to own 100% of that as there is no excuse for cheating and the other person, no matter what they do to piss you off is never the person to be blamed in less they cheated to.  If they cheated, you getting revenge makes you an even worse person.[/quote]

See above re: affair.  I have made apologies to my daughter for the fact that the marriage failed and my part in it, and I very well may need to reiterate this as time goes on.  As she matures, it will be easier to actually have rational conversations about our family.

[quote=Anonymous]If you were both still married, how would you handle it.  I would give her either a set amount, and that amount will continue each semester based off good grades and behavior.  She can work summers or an internship (paid or unpaid) during the summer for spending money for books and you can reasonably supplement.  If poor behavior continues, she can take loans and you can help pay them back.  Make it clear she needs to involve you in the process, that you will NOT write a blank check and when the time comes both you and mom will first discuss finances and then all three of you will discuss finances.  [/quote]

Yes, this is pretty much how we would handle it.  And this is how I plan to handle it as well.  This is good advice and I really appreciate it. Thank you!  The only part of your advice that it challenging is that she must involve me in the process.  I learned long ago that you can't control people or force them to do something they don't want to do without pushing them farther away.  But I think my second post with the thoughts on what I will say to her is getting closer to what may help.

[quote=Anonymous]No one is owed college but as a parent, its a good idea for your child's future.  However, poor behavior is a factor in paying.[/quote]

Thank you for your thoughts and ideas![/quote]

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