Reply to Daughter's Behavior Toward Parent/Family and Attitude vs Gratitude

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[quote=Anonymous][b]I'm the OP.[/b] Please see my responses below...

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]  I, and our family, have been there for you, supported you, and [b]given you pretty much everything you have ever asked for.  Tell me one meaningful or substantial thing I have ever said no to.  You can’t, because you won’t find one[/b].”
[/quote]

OP, read what I have bolded.

You need to see that THIS is the problem in your relationship more than anything caused by the divorce.  You have NEVER said no to her?  She treats you like complete shit but you say yes to every demand she has, never provide a consequence for her abhorrent behavior, never deny her an opportunity despite her ACTIVELY HURTING PEOPLE AROUND HER?[/quote]

There have been PLENTY of times I have said no.  There have also been plenty of times there were consequences or a punishment for bad behavior.  Sometimes these were pretty serious consequences as well.

What I was referring to above were things like special academic programs and opportunities, school trips, travel for her team, etc.  These were things that, while expensive, her mother and I felt were important and enriching experiences.

[quote=Anonymous]Why on earth do you think she would ever go to therapy with you when you are already rehearsing a conversation where you promise to pay for her entire college, go above and beyond...?  You have now completely backtracked from your original OP...becuase people are guilting you for an affair you had?[/quote]

Again, there was no affair on either side.  I'm really surprised people keep assuming this.

If you read my OP carefully, while I expressed frustration, I never said I was REFUSING to pay for college.  I simply was asking for input on how to handle a disrespectful and at times incredibly rude teenager.  To repeat: this isn't about money, it's about learning to show respect for those who love and support you.

And I am not "reversing my position".  Instead, consider that it may not have been as extreme as you originally assumed, and that I took many of the comments here to heart and have been able to take a more compassionate position.

[quote=Anonymous]The fact that you hurt your family in whatever way you contributed to your divorce (even if it's only 50%, or if it's 90%) does not mean you let your teenage kid treat people as badly as you have allowed.  And while you have allowed her to behave like a monster in the past, that doesn't absolve you from holding her responsible now.  [/quote]

I agree.  There are a lot of contributing factors here.  And while I have desperately tried to work with her mother to effectively co-parent her, it hasn't always been received.  The only times it HAS been received is when her mother is on the receiving end of the anger.  THEN mom calls complaining and playing the victim.  I have suggested more than once that my ex and I sit down TOGETHER, on the same side of the table, and present a united from of love and firm boundaries.  I think my ex may be coming around but you should know that I am the one who is constantly extending the olive branch.

[quote=Anonymous]I vehemently disagree with those who say you owe her to pay her college education now.  What you owe to her, more than anything, is providing some limits to her unacceptable behavior.  She can not be allowed to careen through life hurting people without some consequences.  You can and should own up to what you did to blow up your family.  But continuing to just give give give give give to her is simply continuing to reward her horrible behavior.  That is not LOVE.[/quote]

Thanks again for your input.  [/quote]

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