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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]I am the OP of this thread.[/b]

I truly want to thank everyone for your input.  I read every single response and definitely got something valuable from each.  I REALLY appreciate your time and input and I have learned a lot that I think will go a long way in helping my situation.

When I checked back in yesterday, there were over 50 responses and I read through all of them.  I considered responding right away but I had a busy Sunday and went about my day while I digested and thought about everything.

I woke up this morning and, after reading again, chose to respond because I see a lot of other parents who also deal with a shocking level of disrespect and/or entitlement (from our otherwise wonderful kids, who we all love more than anything), and I think the dialogue is valuable.

First of all, though others have speculated that I have replied above as “OP-pretending-to-be-NP”, or am another poster on the board outed as a “single-not single” guy in another thread, neither is the case.  This is my first response since the original post.  Also - I’m the DAD here (some people thought I was female).

As I was writing the original post, I kind of expected a wide range of responses that skewed toward “You’re the problem and you are being completely unreasonable…” and “You’re a horrible person and I see why your kid hates you”.

That’s fine, I am totally open to that and why I chose to post and ask for input.  I wanted to check myself and learn how others (outside of my real-life circle) deal with this.

After reading through the whole thread again this morning, I want to clarify a few things because the responses indicate I either didn’t communicate clearly, or people are making incorrect assumptions:

[b]This isn’t about money.  This is about kindness and respect.[/b]  If I had 10 Billion dollars in the bank my issues and feelings would be exactly the same (I am not wealthy and live below middle class).  I believe it’s our duty as parents to teach kindness, respect, family connection, and empathy.  Supporting disrespect teaches the opposite.

[b]Her behavior has been at times atrocious and almost unforgivable.[/b]  Not always, but many times (see original post).  I can’t even print the types of things she has said here.  Trust me, this is not someone spun up emotionally and out of control on teenage hormones.  These are things that sting two years later and were said to parents, grandparents, and extended relatives (several of whom now want little to do with her).  And just when I may get to a place of forgetting and forgiveness, another bomb drops and everything comes back.

[b]I have always planned to pay for my daughter’s education.[/b]  In fact I’ve been looking forward to it since becoming a parent.  I am currently pursuing a much better paying career position to be able to pay and even willing to dip substantially into my retirement savings.  This commitment applies even if my ex refuses to pay anything.

[b]I have done extensive personal work through therapy and support groups.[/b]  This has been invaluable.  I also begged to get my ex to do some sessions so we could be better co-parents, but she refused.  I want to do some sessions with D17 (and have said this) which I hope happens before she leaves for school.

[b]My position applies to attitude toward her mother as well.[/b]  I have taken the position that D17 is not allowed to talk to mom this way either.  If I see or hear of her talking to or treating mom this way, I will impose consequences and punishment on my own, regardless of what her mom does.  If this results in 2 punishments for one crime, so be it.

[b]When it comes to expenses for great opportunities I have always said yes.[/b]  I have never denied her anything important (like school/summer trips and programs at Harvard, NYU, & Tufts), despite her disrespect or even refusal to talk to me.  I have always paid the vast majority share and never said no, even though our decree states all expenses are EQUALLY shared.

[b]The divorce happened during her early teen years and I COMPLETELY understand this is a huge component here.[/b]  I’ve done my best to be gentle and love her through it.  I have NEVER turned my back on her and my door and heart have always been wide open.   But it’s new territory to me because my parents were married to the end and there is barely any divorce in my family tree.

[b]I absolutely own my share of the responsibility for the marriage failing.[/b]  I am not proud of this and the divorce is probably my single regret in life.  But it takes two to make a marriage fail and while I will own 50% of the blame, I will not own 51%.  Regardless what she says or thinks, my ex owns the other 50%.

[b]I have never EVER said one negative thing about her mom (my ex) in front of her.[/b] And I never ever will.  However, my ex did the opposite; she involved and empowered her in the divorce by almost treating her like a friend instead of a parent.  I fear I will spend the rest of my life dealing with this.

[b]I begged for divorce mediation but my ex insisted on lawyers and litigation.[/b]  I was self represented (because I was terrified of the legal fees) while my ex got a large powerful firm to represent her.  My ex wanted almost full custody of D and the ONE thing I said was non-negotiable was 50/50 - but she spent 100k of our money in legal fees fighting this.  I stood my ground and guess what?  We have 50/50 custody.

Anyways… I felt these things were worth clarifying.

==============

[b]After thinking things through, this is probably how I’m going to proceed:[/b](and I'm open to your thoughts)

If I can get her to have a conversation where she will actually hear me, I’m going to say:

“I love you more than anything and that will never change.  I think you may have the wrong impression that I’m not going to contribute to your college, which is the farthest thing from the truth.  I very much want to and have planned to all along.”

“As you are applying to your schools, I am also going through the FAFSA/CSS process and that will indicate what you will need.  I want to do everything I can to support you in every way possible in life and the next big thing is college.  From all indications, I will be able to meet the needs you have and am even willing to take on more work to make sure you have no loans.”

“I am excited and happy for you because I think you will get into your top choice and we can make your dream a reality.  So to be clear: I will contribute substantially, and possibly pay fully for your college, even if I am the only one paying.”

“But there are also a lot of things you and I need to work through, and I want us to try.  I am asking you to put some effort into this because we have a lot of years ahead of us and I want them to be happy.  We have a lot of years, but not unlimited years.  I want all of us, mom included, to be able to share in your happiness and be there when you need help and support.”

“I will put in effort as well; with open ears and an open heart.  I will take responsibility for my part in everything, but I am not solely responsible for where we are today.”

“You are incredibly smart and talented, no one can deny that.  But your emotional control and kindness need some work.  You have shown incredible disrespect and rudeness to me and the family and that needs to stop.  I will not tolerate it for one more second.  I, and our family, have been there for you, supported you, and given you pretty much everything you have ever asked for.  Tell me one meaningful or substantial thing I have ever said no to.  You can’t, because you won’t find one.”

“So in the short term I am demanding that the rudeness, disrespect, and excluding me from your life stops.  In the long term, I am asking you to please consider putting in some effort in working through our issues, because if left unchecked, they will fester and we may cross a line we can’t get back from.  Sweeping things under the rug is no way to address problems and not something I want you to learn.”

“So think about this; after your applications are in and things aren’t so stressful, maybe we should commit to 8 sessions with the counselor you went to.  That way it will be someone you are comfortable with and kind of be on ‘your territory’.  I am not tied to an outcome; if the result is that we conclude I am the problem and I am a complete dick, then I am open to that and am willing to learn from it.  I want to commit to the EFFORT, not a result.  This is not a trial.”

“I love you more than anything and only want you to be happy in life.  Now let’s get some dinner.”

==============

My bottom line is this:

I want to support my D in life as much as possible.  But I believe that you can love someone unconditionally while expecting certain things (conditions?) when it comes to financial support of a young adult. 
 
I would rather have my child turn out to be a kind, respectful, and loving person living a small life in suburban MD or VA than a narcissistic zillionaire lobbyist/lawyer on the hill.

The most valuable thing a parent can teach is respect and tolerating disrespect, rudeness, and entitlement teaches the opposite.

Lastly:  I was reminded of the scene from "Good Will Hunting" on the park bench when Robin Williams tells Will that he was pretty hurt by what he said and how he ripped his life apart, but then something occurred to him and he let it all go; that despite the the fact he's a genius, Will is just a cocky and scared kid and he doesn't have the first idea of what he's talking about.  That while he may be intellectually brilliant, he doesn't have any life experience with people to understand the impact of his actions and how they might hurt someone more than he can comprehend.  That's kind of how I feel.

Anyways…. this got much longer than I intended but was basically stream of thought.

This forum can really be a valuable resource for all of us parents who feel at times overwhelmed with everything from first diaper changes, to young adult-child challenges.

I TRULY appreciate everyone's input.  Thank you all VERY much for your time.[/quote]

Hi OP - I haven’t read the whole thread, and I hate to be so harsh but frankly your daughter just sounds like a spoiled brat. Even high achievers can be entitled jerks, even more so because they think they are so smart.  It’s sounds like neither you nor ex-wife enforce any type of consequences for her obnoxious behavior and by now it’s far too late.

The people blaming this on your divorce are just wrong. When my parents divorced my father was way more of a jerk than you and I never acted this way to him. You can have a relationship with her while not tolerating rude behaviors.[/quote]

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