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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I am so curious about what your childhood was like. Did your mother make dinners or take you to the doctor appointments or drive? Or did your father do all that?

It just seems so weird to me if a formerly capable person willingly became or acted so helpless for so long.

I hope your strategy works out and helps your Mom become a little more self-sufficient. You'll have to emphasize with the aide that it's vital to NOT simply do every little thing for her. And you have potential for so many small victories with the trash, shower, TV, activities. I really hope you see progress. Good luck![/quote]

Me, too. This was my first thought...what was it like to be a child in this family. Some things I get..the bill paying maybe, but the rest is odd even for her age. My mother woukd be 91 had she lived. She was educated, never worked  though until we were teens,  but did everything.  [/quote]
To answer the questions above....

My mother, although educated, did not work....not even when we became teens or, later, after we graduated from college. (She was still in her 40s at that point.) Her degree was in nursing, ironic considering she picked a profession that involved caring for others when she was so needy of having others care for her.

As for my childhood, Mom did make dinners, although I recall her asking my father if they could hire someone to cook, serve dinner, and clean up. My dad was opposed, especially since my mother was not working outside the home, and there really wasn't money for that. But I will say her dinners were good, and very creative. And very balanced.

We did have a housekeeper who came once a week and did the vacuuming, helped with ironing (the 1960s), and heavy chores.

As for driving, she was always fearful and limited to very local drives - to the Giant a mile away, to pick me up at the school, the local pediatrician a couple of miles away, that type of thing. Anything that required a drive of 30 minutes fell to my father.

I am looking forward to the staff meeting at the new place tomorrow. I will keep everyone posted, as you all have been very helpful. [/quote]

Well, ok, it sounds closer to my mother's experience, but she did go back to work after years. The time frame allowed  and assumed a lot of dependence of women to men...my mother had credit cards that were  actually my Dad's and she signed Mrs. Dad's Name.  Same with checks. Ironically,  she was the financial mastermind and Dad was the "front"  when it came to buying cars, mortgages, decisions about spending,  and investments. When she died...he was kind of lost even though he ran his own business.  He had no idea about personal finance and was not interested.  But these ladies, in their social group, really came to life in the 1970s...in every way, but your Mom just kept the same template. I don't think she can't do these things. They got into a codependent groove that worked for them  both. Now she's alone and scared. Her helplessness is now a cover for her grief and fear. I think when a spouse dies after decades and decades, it's like a piece of the surviving spouse dying. She can't handle that much change in the middle of grief. She'll be ok in an independent living with a paid very part time companion and some distractions. Best of luck. Dealing with declining inlaws now. .weird issues really do get exposed...we are finding that out now. [/quote]

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