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[quote=Anonymous]I was returning home from a conference, visiting my mother in the midwest on my route home.  I have just completed a degree in my field, accepted a job, and have not seen my mother for about six months.  We have had a dysfunctional relationship for years, but I continued to call her every week.  She has reluctantly permitted me to visit her, but refused to pick me up at the airport, so I rented a car.

I came into our home to see it covered in empty bottles, every kind of mess, and feces.  In 24 hours, it became apparent that my mother decided to slowly commit suicide through alcoholism.  She always drank heavily, but was, in retrospect, a high-functioning alcoholic.  She had recently lost a job and decided it was not worth it to rebuild her life at 61 y.o.  Her health insurance has also lapsed.  She had no interest in getting help, care, or traveling with me to DMV.

After I narrated all this to my husband, who was home with our early elementary school aged child, he informed me that he intended to leave me soon after I returned, now that I was done with my degree and was financially independent.

How did I survive?

Well, first I cleaned my mom's home, bought her a little couch, and moved her to the first floor.  I did not want her to fall down the stairs and die.  I packed the kitchen with little snacks and water bottles.  I arranged for a maid service - she never ever let them in, but I kept them coming.  I alerted her PCP, and we did have a visit together.  I took her to the ER and got her rehydrated.  I made an arrangement with neighbors to keep an eye on her.  It was not enough, but nothing would be.

I opened up to a mentor, who spent incalculable hours discussing my scope of responsibility.  I ended up flying to take care of my mom one weekend a month, until she did die 6 months later.  We called an ambulance multiple times, and she always refused hospitalization.  You cannot treat a sane, verbal person against their will in this country.  There would probably be people who would do more, but that is all I could come up with.

I recognized myself as an adult only child of an alcoholic, read books, got help, begged my husband to read the same books.  He recognized that many of my personality issues stemmed from this upbringing.  We reconciled.

It has been 8 years.

When bad things happen, try - as much as you can - to nourish your survival instinct.  Hold on to your job.  Give 100% to your children, and prioritize your marriage.  Everyone else gets what remains.  That is what I learned.
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