Reply to "Drama" in lieu of common sense?

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Reply to ""Drama" in lieu of common sense?"

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[quote=Anonymous]Hi again, OP.

This all sounds pretty complicated. You're describing a spouse with a poor sense of boundaries and an inability to prioritize well. These symptoms can be caused by several conditions.

What's important to know is that, even if you were to figure out what's underlying your husband's behavior, mental illness is different from physical illness. He has to want to change. He has to experience enough discomfort in his own life and connect that discomfort to problems that he has himself caused before he'll be motivated to do something. Then he has to find mental health providers with whom he "clicks" to help lead him to a better place. Even with work, some people take years to become more functional. Some types of disorders tend to control people more than people control them. Does your husband seem to want to change? If you confronted him more forcefully would that put sufficient pressure on him to motivate change, or would it just create conflict? (I'm not dissuading you from confrontation. You should [i]definitely[/i] confront. I'm just asking you to honestly assess the situation.)

What will be critical for you to remember throughout the process that you are entering is that you did not cause your husband to be this way, you cannot control his actions, and you cannot cure him of his behaviors. You are responsible only for your role in the relationship. That said, you are [i]fully[/i] responsible for your role. For example, you own your house. Set and enforce boundary about who stays there for the safety of your home and belongings. If your husband disagrees, you don't leave town. You also own your water heater. Get it fixed. Living without hot water is not hygienic or fair to your children.

My first recommendation to you is to start keeping a journal. Instead of listing all of your husband's odd choices here, list them for yourself as they come up. When we tolerate disordered behavior for so long, we tend to lose sight of how disordered it is. In fact, we usually convince ourselves it's not that bad. Start keeping a list so as to keep yourself honest. Think about what your children see and experience as you log things.

Get yourself to therapy. It is the only way you are going to succeed in setting safe boundaries for yourself and for your children. You need to be able to say "no" to your husband when he puts you in these not-at-all ok situations. You're very lucky that the car on the highway incident didn't turn out poorly and that having a stranger in your house resulted in nothing worse than a bad smell. You're also lucky that your husband hasn't made a financial decision that's been ruinous. Don't prioritize fixing him or fixing the marriage. You can't control him, so figure out your role in taking care of you. That might have beneficial effects for your husband and your marriage.

Start cultivating friendships outside of your marriage. Chances are that you've been in a not-normal situation for a while. If this feels normal to you, you've probably lost touch with people who can tell you otherwise. Slowly reach out if you can to meet other people. It might be a fitness class at a community center, a volunteering opportunity, a chance to lead a scouting group for one of your children, but it helps to reach out. Also, if you're stuck with this crazy man for the time being, having something positive to look forward to is going to be important.  [/quote]

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