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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This. You're only thinking of the most extreme cases of hoarding. And since its not that bad, you think it's okay. Obviously, no one can see into your home but the level of the clutter, you're describing is [b]excessive and possibly on the mild end of the hoarder scale[/b].

So definitely therapy for you, possibly a regular cleaning service, and your dh should definitely also be doing his part. [b]For example, if having laundry sit on the sofa all week really bothers him, he can be responsible for doing the laundry and putting it away. [/b][/quote]

OP here:  Takeaways so far include reduce buying and get cleaning service (I know enough that you’ve got to clean/dexlutter before the cleaning service comes) as part of an overall decluttering effort.  I really need to understand how the other side is feeling.  DH is not a talker.

Just getting a baseline:  So a model in a magazine is understoood universally as an impossible standard and no one walking around looks like that (withiut just looking good being a full-rime job).  I don’t wear any makeup unless I have a presentation t work.  I similarly assumed that photos in House Beautiful and home blogs are the same...an impossible unrealistic standard that some do choose to chase.  I assumed it was fake nd similarikynimprison women in a trap of their own making.  BTW, no one else keeps laundry on the sofa?  I guess I am ashamed if it’s so out of the norm.

I feel like I got clutter but little to no crud (I hope that’s not delusional but just my threshold).  It’s kinda easy to avoid crud because no food is allowed anywhere outside the kitchen unless it’s a party or movie night (popcorn) and I’d know I’d need to wipe down, etc. My ongoing assumption that clean clutter (fresh laundry on sofa) would be “acceptable because we’re busy” is not working, because he’s stressed about it.  I guess my natural tolerance is different from DH. I think he is feeling burned out as am I.

Regarding chores, DH is mechanically inclined and (competently) repairs and installs things (washing machine, 40 feet of kitchen drain plumbing, new front door, apron front kitchen sink, pot lights, hardwood flooring) and DH is a helpful person (shovels for elderly neighbors, checks nd replace their roof flashing, clean out gutters, etc.).  We both generally have been beloved by our elderly neighbors but they make a point to tell me i’m lucky to have him esp after he’s fixed something for them.  I join him for shoveling and some projects (been staying on sidelines more now that there is a toddler to watch) but I always stayed off of the roof.  ? I also have big projects:  installed mosaic marble floor tile in the bathroom, installed garage elfa on three walls, breastfed DD and DS until 18-20 months (stopped now), etc.  These big projects are great and feel like accomplishments but it’s the daily stuff that’s hard.  There’s stuff you [u]have[/u][b] to do everyday:  plan and buy food, feed kids, wash out pumping gear and bottles (stopped now), wash toddler’s poop butt, walk dogs, have enough clean clothes (my solution was multiples of same clothing), etc.  I like to be chill and happy and I feel like most housework sucks away your time and no one appreciates it.  If we do need to clean, let’s make it a family activity with everyone.   And really it’s a self-imposed standard...why choose that over taking DS to the park?  I said I wanted to take kiddos to visit family in Orlando during President Day weekend and he said I should stay home to clean.  (He hates traveling.)

My neatnik roommate during grad school for many years notes, when asked, that I was terrible at the daily chores but rocked on the periodic big projects: seasonal detailing of bathroom, fridge, ceiling fans, tile grout; cleaning showerhead mineral buildup; reorg contents of kitchen drawers and pantry, etc.  [b]how can I get DH’s recognition that the cooking (groceries, budgeting) and childcare are big projects too?
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I’d like to hear more from posters who had insight from being messy/cluttered/hoarding or living or experiencing hoarding from a DH or DW.  Maybe more detail on what frustration DH is feeling.  I feel like daily pickup/clean up is a no-win situation. Why vacuum everyday when once a week (hmmm...fessing up to every other week) works just as well?  We do wear slippers or house Uggs at home.  Literally, what is a good mopping/vacuuming frequency?  Is it okay to keep the clean laundry that we on th sofa in four baskets at the foot of the master bed?  DH says it’s an eye sore. I feel like there is no winning.  My coworker vacuums twice daily, because she likes to see the vacuum lines, but she’s fessed up that she knows she’s the crazy one.

I think my threshold will be to get those rooms to their official purpose (park second car in garage, guest room will be guest ready, dining table will be ready for possibility of dinner guests at short notice, etc.) and then if that’s not good enough (re: baskets in bedroom), then I’m done.

Thanks.  
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Is your dh from a culture where men don't do any sort of domestic work? Most neatniks will naturally clean/organize because in their nature to do so. It's unusual to have a neatnik who doesn't do anything sort of cleaning/organizing on their own initiative. Anyways, if your dh isn't willing to put in any effort, then he doesn't get a say.

For this to work, each individual should have chores that they are solely in charge of it. Since your husband complains a lot about laundry, he can be in charge of laundry (washing/folding/putting away). He can also vacuum once a week. Then, you can have cleaners once or twice a month to deep clean? While you can be in charge of grocery shopping and cooking.

So basically, make a list of all things necessary for daily upkeep and split the list in half.

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