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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There are two types on people on this thread. The people that think that kids should go to other country for maximum 2 weeks because dad/mom will miss them too much and the other group that believes that time in another country is very important and parents should allo for that as much as possible. Nobody is saying that DH should have no saying in the matter and nobody is saying that kids should never leave the country without parents.
I think this division derives from how much parents value the time abroad. All parents want what’s best for the kids, but not all agree on what is best for them.
My home is very international. DH is Fron Argentina, I am italian, kids were born in DC. At home we speak three languages (4 if you count the nanny). Kids are fluent in 3 languages, etc. We value all that comes with growing up in different places immensely because we have had this amazing opportunity ourselves. I am afraid that the people that don’t understand the importance of living in different places (especially as children) have never themselves have the opportunity to do it. I have many American friends that understand its importance so it’s not a matter of being international or not. When you live for a long period of time (1,2,3 weeks is unfortunately not that much) in a different country you gain so much in self awareness, understanding of the world, understanding of your family and values that it’s a pity to deny to anyone. It’s NOT just about the language. Sure it’s nice to speak many languages, but this is not it. Living and interacting with people from different places in the world makes you question your beliefs and values and your brains becomes bigger and more elastic. Simply put, you become smarter. 
If you think that those extra 6-7 weekends with dad (or mom, or both) in the summer are that important that is worth giving up on these life changing experiences, then I feel bad for your kids. If you have the opportunity to send your kids to live abroad, do it. They will come back richer than they were before and much richer than they would have been staying at home for those extra 7 weekS. 
I am a much better, smarter, self aware person because I moved to the US.

Perhaps your kids will decide that your way of life, your values, your dynamics are the best and he only ones for them, but they will also realize that not all people believe and live the way you do. I could write about this forever...

OP I would try to insist and explain what his “selfishness” is preventing them from experience. They would be giving up on a lot... and the ones that lose in this situation are your kids[/quote]

We also speak three languages at home and are from different countries. We value international experience and travel a lot. I disagree with you entirely.

You are comparing apples and oranges. Immigrating when you're an adult to another country is totally different than going back with one parent to a country where they grew up. Two points are salient here: 1) the kids are very young. When you're young, your world is a bubble and that bubble is yourself. It's normal and natural for kids to be self-centered and to see whatever happens as somehow related to them. Hence any long-simmering marital resentment over this could be very detrimental to the development of the kids. They'll feel subconsciously as if they were the cause of their fathers' unhappiness. That doesn't set up a healthy and positive relationship to the mother's country of origin, or to either parent. This is first and foremost a problem in their marriage, and they have to sort it out. It doesn't matter what you think or what works for your family. It's irrelevant to their relationship and life. 2) Everything is new to children that age. Going to a park. Exploring a neighborhood. Books. New friends. Plenty of children around the world live a very happy life without international travel. Most kids spend at least until they are preteens figuring out what it means to have a relationship with another individual, let alone another culture. I love to have my children travel and learn different languages and experience different cultures, especially the ones in which they have roots. But I'm not under the impression that it means the same thing to them now as it might when they are in their 20s or 30s. And I would never put my marriage into a bad place over this.

I remember well going back to my parents' home country when I was a young child. It is important to know that the world is larger than what you know. As a child, though, my experience was immediate and mired in the present of specific cousins or rooms or foods or environments. We didn't go back every year, either, more like every 3-4 for financial reasons. I really think it's exaggerating the importance of this to say you must go back every year for several months to expand your mind. No way.

[/quote]

For number 1) I totally agree with you. Both parents should agree on what’s best and the marriage and relationship should absoloutely be a priority always. My suggestion was for OP to try and convince DH and perhaps help him understand because perhaps he does not. I totally disagree on number 2. Early exposure is very important. [b]Why would people travel with toddlers or preschool kids if there is no benefit to it?[/b] They will most likely forget it all. These experiences, however, will open their brains and improve their understanding. Of course I don’t expect my 5 year old to understand or be aware of societal differences, but I think she will be more curious, aware and generalky smarter because [b]she sees how other people live.[/b] My parents have small TVs, they buy groceries everyday in small super markets, everyone knows them and know my kids. Keep da their age are more independent and are given more freedom, parents discipline lkids ne differently, they handle conversations in different ways, etc. If you think that kids don’t see it and don’t assimilate this, you are wrong... they do.

I am not saying that unless you spend 3 months every year in a different country you are doomed to be less smart and closed minded.... not all. All I am saying is that those are very valuable experiences that kids won’t get by traveling to another place once every 3 -4 years for a couple of weeks. I think OP needs to agree with her DH on vacation time, but she should try to make him understand the importance of it. If at the end DH still does not agree, I think OP needs to “give up” and find a solution that wOrksfor her husband. I would be very sad if I were OP and my kids had to give up on these experiences... and I would try to do my best to incorporate the culture in our daily life.[/quote]

Most people travel with small kids internationally because it benefits the adults in the situation, i.e. the parents to return to a country of origin or to have a vacation, or the grandparents to get to spend time with their kids in a different setting. I am not too sure that it is really for the kids. For one thing, toddlers and preschoolers have a different circadian rhythm than us. The effects of jet lag/sleep deprivation on their systems are different and if not handled correctly can cause long term issues (the science of sleep and inflammatory diseases is in its infancy, but I predict we'll know a lot more about this in our lifetime).

As for difference, yes, if you're from a small and fairly homogeneous country, then leaving to get a different worldview is important. America is very different. You could get an extremely different sense of life, a different world almost, by seeing how other social classes and groups live in this country, or by living in different parts of the country. Italy is like the size of Arizona. Again, you're comparing apples and oranges.

I am under no illusion that even though my child speaks and writes as well as a native, and knows cultural reference points, that if we return to his father's country of origin once a year for several months, he will be "as X" as his cousins. That's a pretty superficial way of thinking about identity, to me. He might seem as if he fits in fine (and he does, he can make friends at the playground easily and nothing unnerves him) but he simply isn't subject to the conditions of everyday life that shape your identity and sense of self. Things like the school system, in which formal introduction to the culture and the norms take place. Or the economy and the subtle ways in which that affects your life goals and values. The whole institutional life of a country, the health system, the military, everything -- you're not positioned as a local would be and you never will be. You will always be an outsider and your identity remains that of the country in which you spend the majority of your formative time. You know one institution as a visitor, and that is the home and domestic life. Sure, it's mind-expanding, and great, but I think you are romanticizing the degree to which this affects your children.   [/quote]

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