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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP what is it that you want? People have given advice and you poopoo it all. Are you just here to vent?[/quote]

She wants him to stop visiting them completely. He’s already limited his visits according to her. She also has the freedom to stay home but that’s not enough because she wants to spend Christmas Day with him.

OP, he says he won’t stop visiting completely or cut them off completely. He’s offered you a compromise of not going with him. It seems like that’s as far as he will go and, frankly, insisting he give up his family and traditions seems a little much.  Yes, ideally he’d talk to his mom and tell her to shut up, but people don’t change much and I doubt that would work anyway. You need to decide whether you can live in a marriage where he has a part of his life (his family, his traditions) that you don’t join in.  [/quote]

Where in any of OPs posts did she say she wanted her DH to cut them off. You are posting over and over in this thread and it's obnoxious. You sound like a disgruntled MIL.

OP wants her DH to support her. OP would probably appreciate DH telling his mom not to insult, lie and demean his wife. OP would probably like some encouragement from DH that what she feels is not wrong and stop telling her to "just ignore it".

OP is following advice and asked for a therapist recommendation in another thread - and I don't think anyone even responded to THAT. But you're chattering on nonstop about how unreasonable OP is being. She sounds like she has bent over backwards and all she wants to know is that DH has her back - outside of "that's just the way they are and you can stay home".

[/quote]

She said she asked him to cut off contact and he refused. So there’s that.[/quote]

No she didn't - reading comprehension skills are necessary if you feel like you need to debate. She said that one thing DH hasn't done is cut them off. Not that she asked - but stated he hasn't. He also hasn't explicitly told his mom during an incident so horrendous such as the most recent that she's out of line and defend his wife - instead he tells OP that she needs to get over it because that's how she is.

That's not being a supportive husband - even if you are trying to find a compromise solution that allows for DH to have some type of relationship with his family. His family has other people outside of the mother as well. OP flatly stated that she encourages her DH to spend time with SIL for example, but he either doesn't (and she gets the blame) or he does and complains about her toxicity after the fact.

I'm surprised at the number of people on this board who just say "divorce him" but will say that the only reasonable reason for divorce is abuse, adultery or addiction. It's either - OP is a bitch for wanting a compromise or divorce the loser.

OP - if anything - find an individual counselor. Find time to sit with someone and go through how YOU deal with everyone - including how you deal with DH in these times. You love him, you want to be with him but this is a very serious matter that will get more complicated with children involved. If MIL and extended family are bigots/racists then there is an added layer of lifetime stress you will bear if some of these issues aren't discussed openly with DH and resolved - outside of just ignoring it. Your marriage can overcome these hurdles but both you and DH need to agree and be on the same page but part of that is finding your voice and your own therapy will help you with that. Your own responses and actions - including trying to kiss up to someone who obviously can't stand you is a problem - deal with your issues and you'll find that dealing with how you respond in these scenarios will change as well.[/quote]

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