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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

Thanks for responding back. I'm no hero in this for sure. And it's good advice to have probably as many conversations about my mindset and how different it is now as the number of times I rebuffed him...but that would be like 8 years worth of convos. And sometimes I get angry about it...even though technically I have no right to. I think in some way I feel like he should be able to get past this hurt/anger/fear of rejection and feeling of not being desired by me since I am telling him outright that that I am now aware that this is what that felt like to him and that I did it unknowingly (or at least unintentionally). I mean I knew I was saying "no" but it was my own hangup causing that, NOT the way I felt about him as a man or that I wasn't attracted to him physically. He is a very attractive man, and I have told him I'm a "sure thing" now whenever he wants to initiate. We have laughed about it, cried about it (he did admit that this was a HUGE thing for him and was grateful that I was confessing this to him because it definitely made a difference in how he views the whole ordeal) but still no change on his part after several conversations. The reason I get mad about it is that I feel like I didn't know all those years how it was hurting him (b/c I was stupid and he didn't tell me outright) but I am telling him outright how undesired his lack of initiating even after I'm telling him PLEASE do is making me feel but he still won't. And I think that's hostile. It's like, I know I "deserve" the payback (even if it's unconsciously done), but I also know this is not the way to salvage our sex life and bring us closer in intimacy.
I definitely get what you are saying about not wanting charity sex. You want to feel desired, wanted, sexy...and like she WANTS you. I want to give him that because all these things are true! So I am trying my best to make up for lost time by initiating a lot. But in the midst of that, I'm also trying to be vulnerable to him and tell him "you know...it works like that for me too though. Just like you want to feel wanted, I want to feel desired too, not just...passively accepted when I approach you." 
Not sure what the answer is. But we are still in love with each other, good friends, confidantes, etc. I'm just trying to get the passion to go both ways so that we both get what we need out of the physical and mental/emotional part of intimacy.[/quote]

That sounds like a tough situation for sure. If he's putting you through this as payback, that's definitely not cool. I'm not a counseling enthusiast, but this issue seems focused enough that it might help. Sounds like you guys could have something great if you could just get on the same page at the same time![/quote]

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