Reply to DCUM, please headshrink my MIL issues

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Have you attempted any kind of candid heart to heart with your MIL about WHY you think certain boundaries are important? What does "walking all over her" look like? Is your child rude and defiant? Is she acting very spoiled and not listening? Are there problems and behaviors you want to work to address and can explain without anger and then gain your MIL's help with?[/quote]

I have not. I've let DH handle her. I think she'll get offended and hold it against me if I talk to her about boundaries; she won't understand my perspective and she'll go off and sulk and be distant for a few days before going back to status quo. She gets offended when DH has said these things, but it's his mom, he can deal with it. She comes around later and apologizes after she's spent a few days sulking and thinking it over. [b]She always pulls the "well in my culture..." card, saying she does it because it's valued in her culture. [/b]That's fine and I try to be respectful of that. That's why we go along with her having DD one day during the week. But I am not from that culture and her son does not really identify with it either (he grew up here).

DD sometimes acts spoiled and doesn't listen, not sure how much of that is her being 2 vs a result of MIL indulging her. MIL will go along with DD's insistence on snacking all day instead of having a meal, taking a late nap, basically bossing around MIL all day. I don't think MIL really disciplines her, which isn't a huge deal but it does let DD think she can get away with things like jumping on people's heads when they're not looking or playing too rough. Again, minor stuff, but it just gets tiresome when it's day in and day out and we've addressed it before.[/quote]

What culture is she from? We need some context to figure out her behavior and how to address it in a culturally sensitive manner.[/quote]

A culture that expects more kindness and forgiveness than ours.[/quote]

DH and I were both raised in this country in Indian immigrant families.  I have heard all my life about respecting elders and family bonds and what not. I struggled with boundaries for both my mom and my mil when I had my first child. I had the relationship with my mother to tell her to just stop and told her about how hard it was for me to deal with their constant advice.  On the other hand, I truly value our family dynamics and if some part of that was based on the cultural norms, I did not want to give them up.  My mom was annoyed at first but then told me "remember, you were raised in this country without your extended family around. Your mil and I are talking about the theory of how a joint family works but we really have no idea since we left the old country long ago.  Let's find out."  She called her cousin in India who lived with her in laws and asked about her experiences.  The cousin literally loled and said that the joint family with no boundaries is built on the back of the mom of the family.  The kids are generally happy, the dad is ok because he is not around as much, but the women are infantalized in their role in the household.  She said that this is a fairly common feeling among (middle class, educated) Indian women.  I offer this up so you don't over romanticize "other cultures". Each culture definitely has its good points but nothing is ever free.[/quote]

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