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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm an NP on this thread and a parent of a teen.

You've gotten some very good advice (as well as some jerkish "advice"). You also sound like a person who's able to do the very difficult job of stepping back from your emotions and being pretty objective if needed--that's great. And best of all, your DH does deal directly with his mom; I'm a fan of each adult handling his or her own parent in situations like this. Good for your DH.

From the perspective of someone who lived with a grandmother in my parents' home the entire time I was growing up (from before my birth until she died when I was 27!) I can see the issues here. And from the perspective of a parent of a much older kid, I want to add this:

You and DH need to think long-term as well as short-term. And long-term comes up quickly with young kids as they grow up so fast.

I agree with PPs who noted while DH needs to talk to her now, don't start getting into thoughts of her moving out until after the next huge step in your lives, your new baby. Your DD's world is going to be rocked by that sibling, and the huge change of having grandma move out would make the transition even harder for DD; [u]however, [/u] you and DH do need to prepare for the possibility that grandmother is going to pretty entirely take DD over even more when the baby comes -- "I thought you'd like time alone with baby so I took DD to ride her bike." "I'll get DD to day care and then pick her up and then we'll do so and so...so you can have time with the baby." And so on.

If you object, she will say she was only trying to help you bond with baby by taking care of DD for you It will be very tempting to let her do those kinds of things, and she's admittedly great with DD, but because she undermines your parenting and teaches DD to walk all over her, you also know you can't let her just take over DD as her own when there's also a baby in the household.

I would go ahead [i]right now[/i] and plan your maternity leave so that you have firm time alone with BOTH children at once, and plenty of it, and don't wait for MIL to have a work contract to do that for you. Make a schedule -- I know, tough with an infant and a 2.5 year old child -- but go ahead and plan out those early weeks when you are home. DH will get flak and you will possibly get complaints about how "I could be such a help if you'd let me," but your DD needs to start learning, from the start, that she has to deal with her baby sibling in day to day life. Talk to DH about how this can happen. Maybe have MIL around for the first week, then you and DH send her on a trip (not a surprise! Let her help plan it) as a gift "for all you've done and to give us some time as a couple adjusting to the kids." Don't let her Skype or Facetime when she's gone -- it's not for months! -- and do let her do something special with DD when she returns. But after that, you and DH should do as one PP said and set aside plenty of specific times every week, not negotiable with MIL, for the four of you in your nuclear family to be together.

And then you and DH need to think really longer-term. Your DD is approaching three. Is she going to go to preschool? (Despite some day cares saying they're preschools, many actually are not; kids benefit from a good preschool to get them socially ready for kindergarten.) Will grandma babysit your infant at home full-time while DD goes back to day care and/or preschool? Will both kids go to day care? Do you think MIL will be so happy about two kids that she'll give up her work and want to be the full-time caregiver? (Please do not say yes to this.)

And DD will go to kindergarten before you know it. That will be a watershed for MIL who might then focus on the baby the same way she's focused on DD now. Or grandma could try to be overly involved in DD's school experience.

I would make the start of K, or better, the start of preschool, the time frame by which DH, MIL and you agree that she'll move out somewhere nearby and remain a big part of your kids' lives but not in the home.

It is wonderful to have a healthy, active, involved and capable grandparent. I know, I had one! It's also stressful for a marriage and parent-child relationships to have another adult in the household, especially if that adult does not always adhere to the parents' rules and plays the "spoil the grandchild" part. I think your MIL sounds mostly wonderful, but also sounds as if she is mothering your DD rather than "grandmothering" her. The key thing is her living with you and how to set expectations that her living with you is going to end at a specific point in the fairly near future, if that's what you and DH decide is best for your relationship with your kids. If you need to get some counseling to help you decide how to navigate that discussion, get it, together with DH of course.

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