Reply to SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You are more at risk when you are young. The older you are, the more assets you have accumulated and also the more likely you are to get alimony. [/quote]

Did you read? Even when you get alimony, it’s not enough to live on. Unless you’re married to a gazillionaire, you better continue working to protect yourself. [/quote]

I am not sure “working to protect yourself” isn’t a wholly depressing way to go about life though.  I don’t know that, even if something were to happen to my husband, I would trade the days I’ve had with my daughter away to be in an office so I’d be more financially stable in a hypothetical future. I say this from a place of relative privilege because I have family assets and a degree that would support me and my daughter comfortably if I did need to, but I can’t imagine going to work every day thinking “I’m sacrificing time with my child so if my husband leaves me I’m in a marginally better financial position”[/quote]

A) it’s not a marginally better financial position, B) it’s not an either/or.

Having kept my career I have a low six figure income that will be mine regardless plus benefits and employee contributions to retirement. Should anything happen, god forbid, I will be able to support myself and the kids. Having that security is priceless.

As for time with your kids, the years they are home are very, very short. I WAH for the first year of my baby’s lives and effectively had leave so I could nurse on demand and see their milestones. I had enough seniority so my hours were flexible and I could spend time with them in the toddler years, take them to classes in the morning or come home to eat lunch with them, end work at 4 and work once they were in bed. Nannies handled nap time. It was a good mix of time to myself and feeling connected to them. Due to COVID I’ve been WAH again since my youngest was 3. Loved spending that time with her, but at the same time realized over this last year and a half that I’m not cut out to stay at home. By age 4 they are in preschool most of the day and after that with school I don’t miss a thing — I can flex my schedule to pick them up after school.

It’s been an ideal balance for me and it has taken a lot of juggling and coordinating. A few times when they were babies I wondered if I could handle it all, and really felt that pull not to split my energy. But now that they are in school there’s very little conflict for me and I’m so glad I didn’t quit as I love my work. Giving up your whole life due to arrangements that last a few years doesn’t make sense.

[/quote]

First, your situation is not the norm. It sounds like you had kids relatively late and well into your career, and that your career has a lot of flexibility available. Not everyone is in this position.

Second, that may have been a good balance for you, but lots of women don't want to miss out on anything in the early years. I mean, in their toddler years, most of the day was with a nanny. So maybe that was great for you, but lots of moms feel that that is missing critical and irreplaceable time with the kids. Not to mention, just because kids go to school doesn't mean that WOH parents aren't missing a lot of time with kids while at work. This is not an insult, but it doesn't seem self-evident that there is no "either/or" here.[/quote]

I don’t see it that way. You’re on two naps until ~18 months, [b]how much time are you missing between 8-4 PM[/b] if you can be around in the morning and for lunch? By 3, many are in half day preschool then napping. Do you have to see your kid every single minute to make it meaningful? The vast majority of women in this world have to work, it’s a necessity. As for school, they are gone from 8-4 if they go to aftercare. My kids love playing with other kids after school. That’s a lot of time, what are you going to do — sit around and post on Instagram? [/quote]

You have to ask because you weren't there to experience it. And there is no need to send a 3 yo to preschool or the kids to aftercare if you are at home. Maybe you think that is best for your kids, but plenty of people don't. I have always thought it crazy to send toddlers to daycare if you don't have to be at work.

Also, the "vast majority of women in the world" are working at home with their young kids right there. But maybe the vast majority of women in expensive cities have to do paying work, and that is what it is, but it is a choice for many.[/quote]

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