Reply to If you are married or in a long-term partnership and you die

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Having gone through it with my father wife hunting and proposing to multiple women online in the weeks after my mom died, I would say ideally wait until the kids have healed and are adjusting well to life without mom.

At a minumum I would say not until the gravestone marker has been placed and the kids have had time to visit and grieve that.  Gravestones go on about one year after the burial so that makes it 1+ years absolute minimum.

The kids needs to grieve the loss of mom through all holidays, Christmas and birthdays especially. If they can have the first Christmas to grieve and tue second Christmas to realize life goes on, that would be especially helpful.[/quote]

I would also say widowed dads need to establish legal protection to guarantee any assets that were part of mom's estate, especially family heirlooms, family property, family money, or family farms, and also property owned by the original marriage before the spouse's death, are completely protected to be passed on to her children and will not under any circumstances go to future wives, future children, or especially children/grandchildren that new wives bring to the relationship that are not related to you.  This shoukd be established before you start dating. If you are not ready to do this then you are not ready to start dating.[/quote] I'm a current first wife and I don't feel this way.  If I died and left a lot of money, my husband remarries and has more children, I would expect him to treat all of his children the same.  I know if he dies, I remarry and have more kids, I would be trying to treat all of my children equally.  If you want what you said, you should go ahead and take care of it with your will while you are alive.[/quote]

That is all rosey and good thatbyou feel that way but too often unfortunately second wives feel completely the opposite.

Over and over, more times than not, second wives of widows cut off the children from the dead wife in favor of kids they bring into the marriage, be they adults with families of their own or actual children.  How would you feel if a farm that passed down through your mother's family went to your husband's second wife's children from.her first marriage and your kids were cut off entirely?  Or your husband knew that you wanted your daughter to have great grandma's wedding set and grandpa's piano, and second wife sells tue piano on craigslist because it does not match her new decor and gives the jewelry to her own daughter? Or if you prepared for your death with a life insurance policy, thinking your husband would do tue loving and rational thing and take care of your children, but instead he blows it on a huge engagement ring, expensive trips, a big wedding and a relocation of tye woman he met online and proposed to less than one week after meeting her and less than three montys after you were buried?

Second wives generally do not have anyone's interest but their own in mind. Many widowed men react very quickly in their grief and remarry very quickly. Usually the kind of women willing to marry a widow who they just met a few months ago who has not yet laid a gravestone on their wife's grave are not kind souls who will want to help your children grieve or to look after them as their own.  Those kind of women who jump on recently widowed grieving men are opportunistic bitches who are trying to take advantage of tye window of griefwhere people just are not thinking clearly.

If a man has not moved far enough along in his grief to honor and protect the children of his dead wife in a logical legal way, then he is not ready to begin dating.[/quote]

Yep.  After my sister died, my brother in law received 500K in life insurance.  In six months, 40K went to an engagement ring for wife number 2, 100K toward a blowout of a wedding, and the rest on a downpayment on wife 2's dream house, in her name and his, of course.  My niece is now being told there will be zero funds for her college education and she needs to move out at 18 when the ss survivor's benefits stop.  Not what my sister would have wanted, but she trusted him.  I did too--he was a nice guy, and a good father at one point.  But I have learned--it's hard for a man to turn against whatever woman he is currently sleeping with, especially when there is a chorus of people out there willing to back up his decisions (i.e. all the people who say he needs to prioritize his marriage, his daughter should learn to be independent, my sister would have wanted him to find happiness, etc. etc.).

Needless to say, my husband and I have ironclad estates planned in case either one of us goes off the deep end when the other passes.

[/quote]

Such a familiar and sad story!  Are you and the remainder of your family looking out for your poor niece and helping to fill that family void?[/quote]

We are trying to.  Obviously, she can live with us once they kick her out, and we are trying to figure out what we can do re paying for college.  Luckily, she is super smart and I am hopeful of merit aid.  So I'm not sure what will happen there.  And really, I cannot stress enough how unexpected this behavior from her dad has been for all of us.  Really and truly.  We've had to make peace with it, because there's nothing else we can do, but it's not like my BIL was a villain before.  He was devoted to my sister and my niece, and now he's devoted to his second wife, but his ability to just let go of everything from his first marriage, including his child, was and is shocking.  [/quote]

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