Reply to Stop it with 'gaslighting' and 'borderline'

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Exactly.  Every so often I encounter a story about a crazy relative and I immediately recognize it.  It's very recognizable.  I don't think anyone here is claiming that they are capable of making a DSM diagnosis or offering therapy.  It's just a very recognizable thing once you've been in the maw.  People who are really pissed about it are probably projecting ... [/quote]
I'm curious what it is that you recognize. Can you give specific examples with explanation why they are indicative of the BPD?[/quote]

PP with the borderline mil here.  Assuming your question is sincere, check out the book Stop Walking on Eggshells.  It's essentially the classic on dealing with BPD in the family - http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

For my mil, one of the big recognizable things is the idea of "splitting". In her world, people are either all good or all bad.  My dh was the "good" one, his brother the "bad" one.  I was the "good" dil, my sil was the "bad" one.  Until I wasn't, of course.  Her reactions to everything are extreme.  She's never just miffed about something, she's furious about it.  No one makes an innocent mistake in her world - they are out to get her and take her down and are horrible, damaged people who will never change.  And they need help of course, but she is just fine and needs no help, thankyouverymuch.

Her house is a disordered mess.  I'm pretty sure her finances are a wreck too.  She divorced FIL late in life, retaining properties that they owned in exchange for any claim to any money they had (which wasn't much - FIL was a high earner who spent everything, he's his own story).  She proceeded to give the properties away to her kids, against legal and tax advice (this was before dh and I married).  Now she's left her last job and seems to need money.  Thankfully we have some and have give been able to give her some.   But these boundaries are fuzzy - she gives her property to her kids, but they have no idea what sort of retirement savings she has or what her accounts are.  She seems convinced she'll just die before the money runs out.   It's so different from my upbringing.  All I can do at this point is shake my head.[/quote]

She does not really meet the criteria. Borderline people have a VERY hard time maintaining relationships. So your MIL built up a fortune while married to your FIL for many years. Then she had children who are adults who all stay in touch and maintain her properties. Then she has a caring DD who is helping her now. She stayed  in  a job until the kids were grown and past grown... She sounds much more keyed in and responsible than a typical borderline. Really, she sounds more like a raging alcoholic to me ...[/quote]

Well, she doesn't drink, so she's not an alcoholic.  She didn't "build up a fortune" - she has a small house that she and FIL owned when they were first married that she currently lives in, an empty lot that she inherited from her mother many years ago, and had a small condo that she lived in after the divorce.  Sold the condo and gave that money away.  Signed over the house and the lot, without consideration to the tax consequences.  Her adult kids recieve her nasty email messages periodically.  They're used to her - they suffer silently through her rages.  There is no dd.  I'm her DIL who is fine with giving her money, because my sane, old-school, blue-collar, work hard, save hard parents left me with money when they died.  Anyone else would have cut her off for her pissy behaviour and bullshit she spewed over my father's funeral.   She didn't "stay in a job" until the kids were grown.  She's moved around from job to job because after a couple of years she ends up in a catfight with somebody and has to move on.  She lives back in her hometown, and no longer sees her cousins or any of the people she grew up with because she finally lost her ability to hold it together in front of them and raged herself out of those friendships.

But go ahead, you tell me what her problems are. [/quote]

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