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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]20:26, I'm the poster from 20:19 with the "annoying but not controlling" husband. I didn't list all the details in my post, but yes, he WAS controlling. My email and social media were not private. I was barely allowed to do things on my own and he had slowly started cutting me off from friends and family. We had a high HHI and no debt, but I was not allowed to spend any money without permission, and I had to track every penny.

I had to get a restraining order to move out safely. So no, he was not just "annoying." He was controlling and abusive.

And from what I have learned, controlling spouses are also usually abusive.[/quote]

I'm just trying to understand what "controlling" actually means since everyone seems to define it differently.  How is it that you were unable to set up a private email account?  Gmail, and others, are free.   Most social media isn't private (facebook?) unless you block someone, right?  Social media is social, not "private."   It's meant to be seen by others.   What does it mean that he barely allowed you to do things on your own?  [b] Did you not have a driver's license or access to money for transportation?   What does slowly cutting you off from friends and family even mean?   You couldn't telephone them?  You couldn't visit them?  What was he actually doing that prevented you from doing what you wanted?  When you say he didn't allow you to have any money without permission, does this mean that he was the sole income earner and you had no access to any credit cards or bank accounts?

Lots of women can get a restraining order simply by making an accusation.  You don't say what he actually did though.  Everything is your characterization or conclusion.

All I'm trying to find out is what he actually did to you.[/quote]

You are obviously a man. You are blaming the victim. Yes, we are humans who theoretically can make our own decisions, but when the person who supposedly loves you is instead watching your every move, using their emotions as a weapon against you, twisting your words so you're somehow always to blame, and belittling you at every opportunity, it's hard to dig yourself out from under the daily and constant barrage of abuse, and you start to believe all of the horrible things he says. You want to hide the truth--not only because he has bullied you into protecting his image, but because you feel like absolute scum for allowing him to do this to you and not knowing how to stop it. you still have an inkling that you're not always wrong and you aren't stupid or a bitch or whatever ugly things he calls you, but you agree to keep the peace and it becomes increasingly difficult to put your finger on what exactly the problem is and why your marriage won't get better.[/quote]

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