Reply to S/O I was the OW and I told the wife

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Reply to "S/O I was the OW and I told the wife"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What?  You dated him for a year and didn't know he was married?  Hmmm...[/quote]

Op here.  I met his friends, I had stuff at his apartment, and he had stuff at mine. We celebrated my birthday together, went on vacations together. Short of assuming that every man is a lying married cheater and calling a private investigator, how in the world was I supposed to know?  Until I found out, it had literally never crossed my mind that could happen to me.

My stomach still feels upset just thinking about it. [/quote]

Because he did not spend thanksgiving, Christmas or NYE with you. Because you never met his family.

Lots of people have apartments in the city and commute home on the weekends or fly to another city for the week and have an apartmen

Did you just fall off the turnip truck?[/quote]

Op here. Clearly, you are here to be an asshole. I spent all my holidays with my parents out of state. I had no interest in meeting his family at that point and had no reason to think there was any hurry. I was 26, building my career in a tough field, and just happy to be with someone who was fun, loving, and put no pressure on me.

Since you are an asshole, I am sure that you assume everyone you meet is an asshole too. I am not an asshole and I had no reason to doubt him. [/quote]

I am not an asshole but really. But I know lots of women who are smart about work and dumb about men. You need to ensure the person you are dating isn't using you.

No wonder men get away with this crap. I bang you but I have no interest in spending important days with you or meeting your parents or having you meet my parents.

[b]Here is a new dating rule for you. You don't get serious with a person unless you have met his family.[/b] If you want to just bang guys don't get all emotional with you get used. [/quote]

Op here. I hope being a jerk to someone online has made your day better. [/quote]

OP, I'm the longwinded sympathetic pp. While this person has been an asshole in how they talk to you, there are nuggets of truth here. I highlighted one. You said you were 26 when this happened--as I said I was near 30 and this was my first relationship with someone I hadn't known in HS or college. Dating other adults with long and invisible pasts is a different ballgame. The best way I found to smell cheaters was whether I could see their web of connections to family and friends and community. If a person made that evident without a second thought they were essentially honest. If they made any effort to conceal it...ask why.[/quote]

I'm the PP that unknowingly dated a married guy with 3 kids. How can you meet their family if he isn't from around here? The OP said she met his friends. I met my guy through work and knew many of his colleagues. They all knew we were dating (and that he was married). And even when I asked them if he was married, many just lied to me. We were semi-long distance and only dating a few months. So too soon to be meeting his kids and his Mom lived on the West Coast.

Yes, the techniques you mentioned work for run-of-the-mill cheaters. But super-cheater...they are in a league all by themselves. You really don't know what it is like until you get tangled up with them. They are so-so-so good at what they do. I luckily had my instinct that was quietly trying to warn me. But good liars are so good at lying. They get you all twisted up that you can't see straight. It's not until you are out that you realize "Oh that twisted up feeling isn't LOVE, it's lies".  [/quote]

Quoted pp here. I don't disagree with anything you say. Most cheaters are run of the mill by definition. I never claimed to have The Secret To Not Getting Cheated On. Sociopaths gonna sociopath and sounds like you and op got doozies in that dept. I'm talking more about how this experience opens ones eyes to a reality about people you never imagined. That was me, and op too. I think it's sort of like how women who have never lost a pregnancy experience their pregnancies differently from women who have. You may know intellectually that shit happens like cheating and miscarriages, but that knowledge is nothing like the knowledge you get from living it. That roller coaster feeling is what movies and music tell us love is. But it's really the feeling of lies, as you say. Love feels like standing on a big rock, not slipping around on pebbles.

People willing to lie for them is a whole other level of pathological. Coworkers no less! Damn.

To your point about remote family, they should still be interacting transparently with them. I'm not near my family but nobody who dated me was in the dark about their existence. Being comfortable enough to talk to your parents or siblings in the presence of an AP you're trying to keep in the dark is super advanced sociopathy.  Run of the mill cheaters couldn't do it. My sociopath couldn't do it. Maybe yours or OPs could?[/quote]

PP here. We only dated a few months, so not ready to meet family. But he would "talk" to his brother on the phone when I was around. There was a elaborate story about how he was hop-scotching in his single engine plane from the West Coast to the East Coast for 4th of July. It was a week to 10 day long saga as he had engine problems along the way. So I would hear very specific details about his arduous journey. Then I got daily updates during the 4th of July holiday about what they were doing with his kids. When I talked with the wife, turns out the whole story was lie. Every single thing was a lie. And a stupid lie with no reason.  Most people lie to not get caught or get in trouble. This guy lied just for fun. [/quote]

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