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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Reply to "40+ men who married 20-28 women?"
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So, this may creep you out a bit, but here's my age-disparate tale: - first wife was 22 years older than me - I was in my 20s, she in her (well-preserved) 40s. It was a kind of cougar thing. The well-preserved vanished almost immediately, and while our interests and phase of life overlapped just enough while dating, they pretty quickly diverged. Finally - and I didn't get this until I grew up and matured a bit - [b]there is very frequently something emotionally broken or immature about someone who chooses a partner with that much less experience; they don't want a real peer who might have the knowledge to call them out on their shit.[/b] We were committed to being committed (and this is a dumb ass reason to be married, BTW) - ie, just staying married so we didn't have to say we were divorced, and it lasted nearly a decade before I wasn't willing to throw my life away for the sake of a "promise". - following divorce, a few dating-around relationships and an LTR (>5years) with a woman my own age. She was a never-married, which was...not great at 40, because there is a [b]reason[/b] - always there is a reason - anyone who wants to be partnered and remains unpartnered that long. She had ginormous fear of commitment and basically sabotaged the relationship. Point being: choosing someone your own age is no guarantee of choosing someone without issues. - finally, met DW, who is 11 years my junior - so it's not quite 40s marrying 20s. It was mid-40s marrying early 30s. I think that's crucial: [b]we were both in much more mature phases of our lives and had a better sense of our own selves, what we wanted out of life and out of a partner, and what we were responsible for providing for ourselves[/b]. I don't mean "providing" in a monetary sense either. DW was unmarried and had nothing like the kind of relationship experience or history I have, and that made me nervous, but the truth is that after the previous two relationships, I decided I needed to get right in my relationship [i]with myself[/i] - which is where the bit about [i]what we were responsible for providing for ourselves[/i] comes from. We are on an incredible roll, have a new baby and are still very much in love and happy. I would caution you that you spend a long time thinking about why it is you think you want to marry someone so much older - what you expect that gets you. The truth is that age is less relevant than having the right expectations, finding the right partner and being in a healthy relationship with yourself (and your partner having a healthy relationship with themselves as well). I think big age disparities are a red flag, particularly about the older partner. Yes, it's a lot of fun to bang a hot 20-something (did that too in between LTRs, was a lot of fun.), and a big ego boost when you're a middle-aged schlub like me, but sex is only one part of the relationship, and someone who is either limited to that facet or incapable of dealing with a peer likely is kind of fucked up. [/quote] I didn't know Ashton Kutcher posted on DCUM, cool, we should tell Jeff. [/quote]
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