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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Just got back from vacation with extended family. We rented a 4 bedroom beach condo. DH's family stayed with us the first half of the week. My family stayed the second half. We payed for everything but did ask all who attended to plan a dinner one night.

The only drama was from my brother's wife, and really it was pretty minor. They were married two years ago and I haven't seen them since the wedding. (They visit her family ALOT, but have only seen my parents twice and me zero times.) Anyway, she very clearly avoids everyone in my family (sleeps late, goes to bed early, is on the beach when we are inside and vice versa, goes out to eat with my brother alone every night). She also becomes angry with my brother for not spending more time with her.  Seriously. Last night there, my brother announces to everyone that they want a nice family photo (all of us) on the beach. DH and I don't care for posed photographs, but I know other people do. (Why she wants a photo when she obviously doesn't like any of us is a mystery.) So we make ourselves presentable and go outside, find someone to take two photos and then kind of walk around for a minute. Then she discovers the photos we took were on low-res not high res so she (and my mom) want to take more. By this time my kids (ages 6 months and 2 years) are hot and fussy. DH and I announce that we are done and go inside.  I think that pissed her off because we were subsequently disinvited from dinner and neither she nor my brother talked to us much at all after that.

I'm sad because I realized that I'm just never going to be close with my brother given his choice in bride. She doesn't like me and doesn't want to know me at all! And he seems to be ok with that. :([/quote]

SIL here.  It is up to you to reach out.  There are more of you (ILs) than her, you know.  I found this out the hard way - my SIL was "difficult" until I (and my sisters) made the effort to include her. When we decided to be warm, welcoming, and inclusive, she changed considerably.

Let's face it, we compare the ILs to our own families, like it or not.  Try to be a favorable comparison.  It costs nothing; and you are an adult, right?  Besides, we only see each other a few times a year, and being nice is not going to kill you - or even "compromise" your status in your family, if that is what you are worried about (you'd be surprised!)

Whatever you do - do NOT roll your eyes, ask prodding questions, or sound hypercritical.  Be reciprocal:  if you ask information of her, try to have the conversation go both ways.  Otherwise, it will seem rude. I have found my SILs did some of this stuff, and it made me feel unwelcome.  Are you doing any of this?  Would you admit it if you did?  Is your family insular and exclusionary?  None of these will help the situation; and your SIL is here to stay (perhaps in spite of you?!) - so you may as well step it up and make the effort.  She doesn't really owe you anything, but you can decide to be nice and get along.

What I found out along the way about my ILs was not favorable at all.  Actually, it made my family look normal :) But really, I would rather they had been kind and forthcoming all along, instead of so clearly hiding issues, in my ILs case.  
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