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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Okay, here is a quick update from the OP. After reading your responses, I told my husband that he needs to decide whether he wants to stay with me and stop drinking, or whether he wants to leave and pursue a separate life. He wants to stay, and has vowed to not drink for a year. So that is good. But [b]there was some pushback... he doesn't think he has a problem, he said he's not sure if he even wants kids (not sure if he's serious or if he's just saying this to hurt me), he said that he's staying because it's the obvious adult choice but he feels backed into a corner by the ultimatum. He said he would go to counseling but sounded unhappy about it. [/b]I may have made a mistake by giving him an ultimatum but I'm not sure what else I should've done... it seems to me that the only choices are to stay together without drinking, or to split up. This "only drinking on the weekend when the wifey says I can" middle-ground is really not working.

So best case scenario is that he doesn't drink for a year, realizes that he's better off not drinking, and we can go on and have kids after that year is over. Worst case scenario is that he resents me, starts drinking in private, etc.

To the person who asked if we have much to talk about... when we first met 15 years ago we had so much fun, had a ton to talk about, everything was so fresh and new. But at this point we have enough to make it through an hour or two of conversation at night and that's about it. I don't really view it as a problem... we both have pretty boring, technical jobs that aren't fun to talk about, we talk about current events a little bit, but not much else otherwise. I think that may be normal after you've been together for a while, but I'm not really sure. [/quote]

OP - What I bolded above is a very typical response of alcoholics (I know because my H is one, as are several of my family members).  I also wouldn't count on anything.  He's likely unable to stop on his own long term and is probably contending with emotional and mental health issues (depression, anxiety, etc) and uses alcohol to self medicate.  He needs a program and he needs counseling to succeed.  The fact that he is saying he doesn't want kids might be a reflex to hurt you and protect himself but it could also mean he really doesn't want kids. Believe him.

I say this with a great deal of empathy.  Four years TTC then four failed IUIs and two rounds of IVF.  H drank a lot - like could polish off a 12-pack in a night - and I was in denial about it.  I was older and felt like if I wanted a kid I didn't have the luxury and time to leave and find another partner.  Well guess what, finally have DD and H drinks a ton and his mental and physical state have gone downhill.  And he really doesn't want kids.  He said that once in anger while I was pregnant (and he was drinking heavily) and I convinced myself he said it to hurt me .... but I think in retrospect that it was absolutely how he felt and he was afraid to say it earlier because he recognized it would be damaging for our relationship (I'd always been clear that having children was important to me).  We are separating now and will be divorced by Christmas.  It's been an incredibly painful journey and I would encourage you to seek counseling and support (Al-Anon is a great resource).

Bottom line:  This won't fix itself and I agree with PPs; don't bring a child into this mess.  That is my mistake and I'm paying for it .... and worse my daughter is paying for it.  Talk about regret.[/quote]

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