Reply to S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am one of the PPs who has issues with the "entitled to sex" posters. I do not at all disagree that sexual intimacy is a healthy and necessary component of a good marriage, or that it can be incredibly damaging psychologically and emotionally to be sexually rejected, especially over a long period of time, by the person who is supposed to love you.

&lt;snippage&gt;

As the PP says, there is a lot of middle ground between "never" and "constantly" having sex. When you start throwing in obligations, it turns the whole conversation transactional and coercive, and that's not okay with me. [/quote]

I'm PP @10:47 and one of the people you quoted.

Here's my thing: I don't think anybody is "entitled" to sex-on-demand at any time from any particular person.  But we are entitled to have passionate intimacy in our lives.  If you don't want passionate intimacy with me, that's OK - it's absolutely your body and your right to say no, married or not - but that doesn't [i]entitle[/i] you to force me to be celibate - [b]your control over your body doesn't trump my control over mine[/b].  I remain free to go seek out the passionate intimacy I want with someone else - sure, maybe after a divorce.

The huge problem with that "middle ground" is that's the passive aggressive "duty sex" zone: Oh, honey, you can't complain about not getting sex...I lubed up and bent over the bed for you to use my body as a masturbation aid for fifteen minutes last week...we're not due for this week's appointment yet.  I'm not actually verbally saying no, but I'm letting you know you touching me makes my skin crawl.  Thanks but no thanks...I'd rather pay a hooker for fake sex.  I really don't want to have sex you unless you actually want to have sex with me and are turned on by me.  I'm a big boy and have moved beyond jacking off to playboy...I'd rather have  real sex with a real person.  [/quote]

A couple of things:

1. I was responding to specific posts, on any of the however many threads that are active about this topic right now, that specifically say that people (usually wives) should have sex more often than they want to and put their partner's need to have sex over their desire not to do that. I cannot get past the coercive nature of this. I have been in this situation, and I often felt pressured or coerced. I do not ever want to feel that way again. There are also specific posts saying that sex is a thing that is "owed" - not that sex is a crucial part of a healthy marriage, but that it is a thing that is owed in a particular quantity, and that a spouse who is unwilling to provide the sex in the quantity required is being selfish. I cannot get past the manipulation there either. There are other ways to frame these ideas than the language of coercion and manipulation. Posters on this topic on DCUM today have chosen the language of coercion and manipulation willfully and repeatedly. I don't know if any of them are you or not.

2. Yes, you can seek your sexual pleasure elsewhere in the name of body autonomy. I am entitled to decide that I do not want to be married to someone who has sex with other people, regardless of whether I am having sex with him as often or as enthusiastically as he would prefer.

3. The concept of being "entitled to passionate intimacy" is also hard for me to reconcile because "passionate intimacy" involves more than one person and I do not believe that anyone is entitled to the body of another. The language of entitlement (which is expressed often on this site in various ways) is problematic for me on a number of levels. You're not entitled to someone else's body. You're entitled to seek happiness in whatever manner pleases you, just like anyone else. If your search for happiness is not compatible with your spouse, I think it's best to divorce.[/quote]

It's so incredibly clear you've never been the high drive partner and that you don't have kids or much money. Deciding to divorce is not that easy.[/quote]

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