Reply to How long did it take for you/your spouse to feel balance/normal after an extra marital affair?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's been five years since I discovered some texts on DW's phone.  To make a long story short, DW had been away for a girl's weekend (which apparently involved getting together with some old guy friends who lived in that city) and when she returned I could tell something was a little off.  I snooped and discovered DW and affair partner were texting weekly (sometimes multiple times per day) and planning their next meet up.  Difficult because affair partner lived in a different city, but these two put forth quite an effort to plan it.

Rather than confront, I asked if everything was ok and let DW know I felt something was off. I even tried out the old "I know this sounds crazy but are you having an affair"?  All I got in return was repeated denials while the communications continued and the day of DW's next visit with affair partner rapidly approached.

The whole thing turned my world upside down.  After ten years of marriage it felt like everything about us was invalidated.  I walked around stunned for months and there were times where I felt like I had been punched in the gut.   The fact that DW could have cut it off after I asked her if anything was wrong told me everything I needed to know about her commitment to our relationship. That's probably what hurt the most -I couldn't rationalize it as a one-time mistake on her part.

I decided not to say anything more and to let DW go through with visit to affair partner (albeit with a private investigator hired to get photos) on the basis that our marriage was over and I at least wanted the leverage that photos would provide.  But then I decided that splitting up was not going to be the best thing for our family (three young kids).  And I just couldn't get over how super creepy hiring a PI seemed.  So I confronted DW a few days before her visit with affair partner.

Fast forward five years and we've stayed together and I suppose moved past it, but I certainly haven't forgiven her nor has she accepted any responsibility.  So we continue to stay together for the kids and manage to do it without fighting or creating a negative atmosphere.  It actually works well for us.  The key for me has been accepting the fact that I don't have the marriage I thought I had and just focusing on the joys that my kids bring me.  I did look at my own actions to determine what I had done to bring this situation about.  While we certainly had our share of the usual stresses, none of them really seemed to rise to the level where I could see how DW would choose to have an affair.

Finally, I decided that if my wife wasn't committed to being faithful, then I didn't have to be either.  But I suppose that's a post for another thread.  And for anyone contemplating it, I can tell you that having an affair of your own after being cheated on does absolutely nothing to dull the pain.

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Wow. Dh here went through something similar but she pinned the blame on me for treating her poorly. Still married. Things are still a little off. Got some meds to help and to try to stop the ruminating. Thanks for sharing. [/quote]

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