Reply to DH sobered up, I'm contemplating an EA, advice?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

OP here - I missed this post I guess because you were replying to someone else.  Wow.  Not sure I could call my fantasy consuming, although it might have been a close call for me being a "goner" depending on the day.  Did you see OM during this period?  If so, that must have been mind blowing, perhaps not in a good way.  I guess if he has no idea you're obsessing about him then there was no chance of anything happening (and maybe you didn't see him).

DH and I made a counseling appointment, unfortunately not with an addiction specialists as we decided doing this sooner rather than later was better than waiting for another month.  Did you have your appointment yet (you said this week I think)?  If so, how did it go?  Was it your first time in counseling together?  Did you discuss this or is way too early for that?  We've never been in counseling, so I just have no idea what to expect.  Do we slowly ease into the process, or do I just blurt out all my feelings and confessions (and anger and resentment)?   I worry about being accusatory since I share in the blame, on the other hand to the extent I shoulder some of that DH engaged the same behavior, plus all the lying, etc. surrounding drinking.  [/quote]

Hi OP, your twin again...  We had our first appointment this week.  We have done counseling together 2x before, once more successfully than the other, so we sort of knew what to expect.  Some advice - and this is critical:  you BOTH have to feel comfortable with the therapist, and it is OK to try a few if the first doesn't click.  A bad therapist can be worse than none at all. We liked ours but are still going to try another next week just to be sure.  Second, try to give the therapist time to talk/interact with you both - dont blather on.  For us, DH needs someone who will draw him out while I'm a chatterbox; I have to sit on my hands and give the therapist a chance with DH to see how they interact.  IME, the first session should answer the 'why are we here' question in broad strokes.  For us it was basically "we were a pretty good couple, weathered a few rough patches, then 4 years of drinking, lying, sneaking around, emotional distance... now we still are pretty good household partners but very emotionally distant and the drinking is a huge gap between us..." (I added that I have a lot of anger, distrust, etc.; also I feel like I dont really know this person anymore; and also since he has never really communicated about the addiction or recovery I have no idea how to be supportive or where I'm complicit/might create situations that are drinking triggers for him).  The therapist should guide you and if not, find a new one.

I felt both relief and panic after the first session.  We went through some of this background and the therapist tried to sum up, in a provocative way (he said as much), that basically a tornado had blown through our marriage and we were sitting there as if nothing had happened.  I felt relief because - there!  someone said it!  - and he was looking directly at DH when he did; and also panic because  - oh crap, now we have to clean up this mess?!  I can tell it will be a bumpy ride but this guy is going to force us through it.  One last thing, he did not leave out the possibility that we could get through the therapy and decide we should separate, but at least then it would be a thoughtful decision.

I think this is the outer limit of what I should share on the board but if you want to post a junk email address we can pick it up offline, or reignite this thread in a few weeks.  I'd love to hear how your first session goes.  Best of luck to you.[/quote]

OP here - Thanks!  Lots to chew on there. My junk email is Mary dot maryson at yahoo. I don't check very often but will this weekend.  Also, I might get squeamish and chicken out on such a private conversation, but send me something and lets see how it goes. [/quote]

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