Reply to Can a little cheating actually SAVE a marriage?

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[quote=Anonymous]

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Someone I know well married in her twenties and in her thirties her husband had what he calls an "awakening" and joined a Christian cult - but she did not follow him in joining this group. The cult he belongs to does not permit divorce and permits only minimal interaction with anyone who is not part of the cult. So they live in the same house, interact to a minimal level, have not had sex in over a decade since he joined the cult and they essentially just share a house.

He has cut himself off from his parents, siblings and just about everyone else.

She will not seek a divorce because she believes in her marriage vows and that her marriage was for the rest of their lives. She said that she married him for "better or for worse" and this just happens to be the "worse" part. I feel sorry for her at one level but I also admire her because unlike most people she actually believes in her marriage vows.

Her husband, who I knew well before his conversion, is a fine, decent man who loves his wife and family but he just happens to have taken a path that has made her life a living hell. I view what has happened to her as emotional abuse and she would likely agree but she does not see that as grounds for disavowing her marriage vows. Needless to say, she will not even consider having sex with anyone other than her husband.

So PP, I would submit you are the one indulging in rationalizations.[/quote]

What rationalization do you think I am "indulging" in? And what does cheating have to do with your friend's situation? Her DH joined a cult, and frankly, I wouldn't leave either in that situation. [/quote]

You are rationalizing that "for worse" does not include infidelity of any kind, so that it justifies you breaking your vow. You are rationalizing that the two things you can't tolerate,  abuse and infidelity, are the only things not covered by "for worse." Oddly, "for worse" does apparently include JOINING A CULT and icing you out of everyday life even though you live in the same house, like the couple described above. The point is that you are deciding what you can and can't live with and are not as governed by your vows as you would like to believe. Interestingly, traditional marriage vows don't explicitly include monogamy. But they do explicitly say til death do us part. [/quote]

Marriage is a contract. And you misunderstand who is at fault when someone is abusive. Not the victim who decides quite rightfully that his or her abuser broke the contract. The abuser is the one who broke the contract. If your husband cheats, you may choose to file for divorce. That doesn't make the end of the marriage your fault. That's not rationalization.

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I am all for people leaving someone abusive, or leaving for any reason they feel they need to leave. I would not leave my dh for cheating, but there are a lot of things that I would leave him for that you may not think rise to the level. I would definitely leave if he joined a cult that required him to interact minimally with me. That is an easy one. However, if you choose to be a stickler for the vows, it is a rationalization to say that cheating is breaking the marriage vow and leaving for cheating is not.  The "for worse" is obviously meant to include even when the other person is really messing up.  Ultimately, the vows are aspirational, and on a good day, everyone is doing what they can to balance the vows against what they are willing to live with. [/quote]

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