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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I really don't think this is helpful for you to think about in terms of gender roles. Your DH is a person with certain qualities and habits; thinking about it in terms of what women want/what men want is really NOT useful. What really matters here is that you seem to have lost all compassion and good will towards your husband. Work on that in concrete ways - seeing it as "women want to be led" is neither true nor useful. I think most PEOPLE want to feel that their partnerships are productive and mutually satisfying and emotionally supportive. [/quote]

it is helpful because her husband needs to get moving and make changes.  and yes it is true that women want to be led.  not domineered but led.

compassion and goodwill have to be earned I believe.  there is not an inexhaustible well that can be tapped every day for infinity without refilling it.  you refill it by doing the things that make you a good person and a good partner and someone to admire.

few women find a man attractive who asks her input on every little thought he has as if he can't manage his own affairs.

[/quote]

Not the OP. I agree that it's not helpful to think about gender roles. What OP wants is a partner who will take charge more than he does. I'm sure there are also men who wish that they had a (female) partner who took charge more. I am a woman and I do not feel like I need a man who will take charge all the time, or even some of the time. I share the OP's frustration about having a spouse who has a hard time making decisions, as "What should we have for dinner?" is a question that is almost always met with "Whatever you want, sweetie." I don't equate his inability to make plans with being "less of a man" or even "not the partner I want" though.

Compassion and good will do NOT have to be earned. Obviously in the course of a long relationship, there will be some years when the compassion and good will come easier than other years, but at the end of even the bad years, this is your SPOUSE, the person you love. Treating them decently and with respect is part of being married to a person. If a man were to say that his unmotivated wife needed to earn his compassion and good will, many of the people on this site would go through the roof about it.

OP, I posted earlier suggesting that you both sound depressed. It sounds like you guys have had a stressful year in general. Moving is hard on people individually and it's doubly hard on a marriage.  It sounds like you felt empowered by the changes you made in your professional life as a result of this move and are sad that your husband has not taken similar steps to better a situation he admits makes him unhappy. What you did was brave. It's sometimes hard for people to be brave like that, especially about something as big as changing jobs. It sounds like he either doesn't feel like he has a viable plan or that he is too scared to execute it. Both of which are unfortunate, but both of which are also understandable, just like your exhaustion with being a cheerleader all the time is understandable. Please give yourself and your husband a break.[/quote]

I know.  You are right.  I decidely DO NOT think he has to "earn" my compassion whatever that means.  He has it.  In spades.  Like I said, what I'm short on is patience.  And it is affecting my attraction, if I am being honest.  And I don't know how to tell him, because I am the world's worst faker in bed.

It has been a big year, and we are still navigating that.  I wouldn't say he doesn't have a plan, because he does, and I'm proud of him for that.  I just want him to have some confidence that can and will execute on it and come out strong, instead of leaning on me for ego-bolstering so much.  I guess I want him to just have that ego, that confidence, naturally inside of himself.  It comes and it goes, but I think he generally has less confidence than me and always has.  It's just that our current situation is exacerbating that gap.  I'm trying to hang in there and not lose my cool.[/quote]

All of this is really moot.

The bottom line is that you desire is dead.  And you think, correctly, that it is because your husband defers to you on too many things including on how to manage his own affairs.

You never answered about what the rest of his life looks like.  I am going to guess he needs a general improvement plan.  And not one that comes from you, mind you, but one that other men have found to be successful.

Some men really need to be taught how to be men these days.[/quote]

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