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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I really don't think this is helpful for you to think about in terms of gender roles. Your DH is a person with certain qualities and habits; thinking about it in terms of what women want/what men want is really NOT useful. What really matters here is that you seem to have lost all compassion and good will towards your husband. Work on that in concrete ways - seeing it as "women want to be led" is neither true nor useful. I think most PEOPLE want to feel that their partnerships are productive and mutually satisfying and emotionally supportive. [/quote]

it is helpful because her husband needs to get moving and make changes.  and yes it is true that women want to be led.  not domineered but led.

compassion and goodwill have to be earned I believe.  there is not an inexhaustible well that can be tapped every day for infinity without refilling it.  you refill it by doing the things that make you a good person and a good partner and someone to admire.

few women find a man attractive who asks her input on every little thought he has as if he can't manage his own affairs.

[/quote]

Not the OP. I agree that it's not helpful to think about gender roles. What OP wants is a partner who will take charge more than he does. I'm sure there are also men who wish that they had a (female) partner who took charge more. I am a woman and I do not feel like I need a man who will take charge all the time, or even some of the time. I share the OP's frustration about having a spouse who has a hard time making decisions, as "What should we have for dinner?" is a question that is almost always met with "Whatever you want, sweetie." I don't equate his inability to make plans with being "less of a man" or even "not the partner I want" though.

Compassion and good will do NOT have to be earned. Obviously in the course of a long relationship, there will be some years when the compassion and good will come easier than other years, but at the end of even the bad years, this is your SPOUSE, the person you love. Treating them decently and with respect is part of being married to a person. If a man were to say that his unmotivated wife needed to earn his compassion and good will, many of the people on this site would go through the roof about it.

[/quote]

I think that is a wonderful theory but it doesn't work in practice.  Thats why we have divorces that aren't just about abuse or addition or whatnot.  Things happen.  life happens.  people begin to suck.

its not fair but yes, goodwill has to be earned.  by your logic there is nothing one could do to extinguish your well of goodwill?  I don't think that is true.  there are many things which drain the goodwill.

being realistic about life, understanding there is not one soul mate in the world for us, or that somehow eternal love is our god given right and due to us no matter what - is a valuable lesson.  it will hopefully create the motivation for spouses to work hard and to continue to be the best version of themselves they can be.

unconditional love is a myth

and its not even reality to those who believe it.[/quote]

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