Reply to what to do when restricting foods and finding out MIL giving it to child anyway

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, haven't read all replies so hope this doesn't repeat a bunch of them:

If your child has a real, physical issue with these foods, document it formally. See the doctor and see if he or she agrees with you -- that these issues are the foods (and not other stimuli or behavioral issues.). If the issue is not the foods/sugars/dyes, find out what IS the issue. Not clear if you've ever had your child checked specifically for allergies to food dyes. It's easy to test for it.

Once you do that, if the doctor agrees with you: Get your pediatrician to write a letter, on doctor's letterhead, saying that your child is sensitive (or allergic or whatever) to food dyes and sugars in the following foods: Then list them. (Ask about red and yellow dyes in particular, by the way.) If the doc won't provide this, find out what the doc WILL provide; say you need it for relatives who are caregivers, teachers, etc. Give this to grandma -- or rather have your husband do it. Nicely but firmly and finally: Tell her that this is no longer about "Let's have a little secret treat that uptight mommy doesn't allow!" and it's now about your child's basic health (and the behaviors associated with the food sensitivity).

Tell her that though SHE does not see any evidence when child is with her, you see it later when his body has processed the dyes/sugars. She truly may think you're exaggerating the problems because she doesn't see the meltdowns later.  "We know you don't see it, but you need to trust us as parents and adults here" is the message. Along with: "We know you want the best for Child and will work with us and the doctor on this! Hooray! Let's bake the cupcakes Child CAN have!"

I would take care to present all this very matter-of-factly and with an attitude of, "We know you are trying to make Child happy with some small treats and they seem innocent, but we now know that this is really an issue: The doctor has said X...." Some people will listen to a professional when they will not listen to their relatives.

You know her and we don't, so only you know if she will go ballistic, or will passive-aggressively say "Oh, OK' and continue doing it, or if she'll lay a guilt trip on you for going to the doctor, or if she'll play the martyr and cry, "I'm a horrid, horrid person!" and so on. Just be ready for any of those reactions and don't engage her on it, or argue, or let it escalate. Keep it simple and lay it at the doctor's feet: It's a medical thing, we have been told what to do, everyone who deals with Child has to do this, not just you, grandma.

Remember too that this is largely generational, and have a little compassion for her on that part of it too -- especially since you say you value her help otherwise. Her generation didn't even think about dyes, for sure, and can be dismissive of parents now as being overprotective and coddling; can you give her some slack on that? She probably could say, "YOU grew up with plenty of sugary treats now and then and we didn't know squat about dyes when I was raising Son or your mom was raising you, and you're both OK!" Combine that with the traditional attitude of "Grandparents get to spoil the grandkids just a little" and you have a bad mix for a child who is really affected by these foods. She truly may not intend to undermine you; she may be seeing this as a funny little battle of wills over some treats, and no big deal. But it's very real to you that your child is affected and she does not see that as a medical issue. And most of all: I want to shout it: Your HUSBAND should be dealing with all this; he's the adult child in the picture!

One last thing: DO keep snacks and water in the car. You didn't have a drink on hand that one time? What about water? Nothing wrong or "spoiling" about giving a kid water on demand, ever. You chose the wrong battle there, frankly. Water and some crackers or raisins or nuts can prevent blood sugar crashes, and a blood sugar crash is part of the issue here, as well as the dyes. I would be far less concerned about asserting your authority with "I don't want to give snacks on demand in the car" and would actually go the other way -- healthy snacks and water available, especially after visits to grandma's. Your kid should not pay with a 10-minute fit because you don't want to give a simple drink or snack that might take care of the blood sugar crash that grandma, not your child, caused. [/quote]

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