Reply to I work on a psych ward...ask me anything

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We also see a lot of teens from families who have focused too much on making their kids happy/self-esteem, and in doing so kept their kids from feeling and learning to cope healthily with sadness, disappointment, hurt feelings, being in trouble and taking responsibility etc.. When those kids grow into the teenage years, they really struggle to cope with life and teen pressures.  [/quote]

I have an infant.  Our goal is to keep her happy. I watch my brother not let his son have his own feelings.  My brother in constantly telling him what to do and what to feel.  I thought I was doing pretty good at letting her feel her feelings, but I'm not sure.  I want her to be able to cope with her feelings, to learn how to deal with sadness, disappointment, etc. in a healthy way.  What are these parents doing that leads to this?[/quote]

As an infant likely you are not so much focused on keeping her happy but on doing the things that make her happy (sleeping, fed, bathed, entertained, attached)etc... the same principle applies as she grows. Your goal should not be to keep her happy. It should be to focus on the things that will ultimately lead to her being happy, healthy and responsible. Those are things like developing confidence, mastery of skills, building strong attachments, competency, coping skills, social skills, self-regulation - emotional regulation and behavioral regulation, reflection and introspection, connecting feelings, thoughts and actions etc.

As she grows let her experience the feelings that she has naturally related to a situation - talk about identifying the feeling and how to cope with it, rather than how to take it away and make her happy. Adversity (not trauma) is good for kids. Life is stressful and age appropriate stress helps them to develop the skills they need to manage it. It is okay to not be good at things, it is okay to fail, it is okay to be sad, mad, frustrated, angry, scared, excited, etc... but there are healthy and appropriate ways to manage these feelings and situations so you learn from them and it leads to growth. Structure, boundaries, limits, expectations, consequences are all good for kids to learn - this is how life works and being unable to understand those connections and when to stop is really important. Developing a strong sense of self is also key - not feeling like you need to be like everyone else or being a chameleon who changes to those around you. Also self-responsibility - no externalizing blame onto others or taking on a victim role, teach them it is okay to make mistakes but you own up to it and take responsibility for it. It is also important they learn to advocate for themselves and have a voice.   All of this needs to happen in the context of a family and home (s) where there is a sense of belonging, of being loved and appreciated, of parents who believe in them, of support and attachment. [/quote]

Not PP but love this answer. Thanks for sharing OP.[/quote]

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