Reply to When other kids are unkind to your kid, how do you keep emotional distance from it?

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Reply to "When other kids are unkind to your kid, how do you keep emotional distance from it?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sometimes the moms who see their kids as the biggest victims have the biggest bullies. Careful that you’re not the grown adult causing trauma to a child, not to mention teachers, administrators and others in the community.[/quote]

The moms have bullies? What? How do the moms traumatize teachers and administrators? What on earth?[/quote]

I've seen this too.  The moms who are the most ferocious about protecting their kids and the first to announce that others are being mean to their kid, are so often the ones raising the actual bullies.  Guess what, the other kids are all yelling at your kid to go away at recess not because they're bullying him, but because your kid has spent the past 5 minutes spitting on kids shoes and cursing under his breath at anyone who beats him in a recess game.  It's not every time.... but it's enough times to make me question when a mom storms the school accusing multiple kids of bullying her child, and I usually ask my kid about that child to make sure that child isn't actually the one being nasty.[/quote]

But you're being just as bad! Worse, because you're playing detective and relying on reports of bystanders who might not know the context. In fact in the situation you describe, the kid likely to get labeled as "mean" by other kids is most likely to be the one yelling at the spitting/cursing kid to go away. Because the yelling is loud and direct, and the spitting/cursing may have been done quietly or under the radar. So your kid goes home and tells you the yelling kid was "bullying" someone innocent (they don't know about the spitting or cursing which happened when they weren't looking and was intentionally quiet) and you take it at face value and decide yelling kid is "nasty" without understanding the situation at all.

Oh and here's one I've personally seen -- then yelling kid starts getting harassed by other kids who stick up for the kid who spit and cursed at him, and they gang up (thinking they are confronting a "bully") by calling him names (meanie, bully, etc.). They think they are sticking up for a peer but they are actually ostracizing a kid for sticking up for himself.

Be very, very careful with the tales your kid comes home with of playground conflicts. You are right the victims and perpetrators are sometimes the reverse of who they first appear to be. [/quote]

Go to bed crazy [/quote]

No that was a good post. The moms who gossip with their kids about who is good and who is "nasty" are part of the problem. A lot of parents don't understand playground politics, especially just hearing about it second hand. You should take the stuff your kids tell you about other kids with a grain of salt.[/quote]

where did I say I didnt??? I simply ask my kid something like "hey I heard that there might be some problems at recess recently with Larlo.  Is everything ok?" and he'll say "ugh, Larlo comes out and tells us all to go F ourselves and stomps on our toes when we are playing basketball at recess every single day, but we aren't allowed to tell him to stop playing with us because his mom complains to the school or something when we tried to do that.  So we let him play but like, it's not any fun to play when he's there and he always ends up crying anyways if he doesn't win, and then when that happens, he says he's going to tell on us? What should I do next time, it's so frustrating".  And i'll say, hey that sounds tough, i'd just avoid playing with someone who doesn't make you feel good even if it means avoiding basketball right now, see if things blow over in a week. Because yeah I don't know the details and how much is exaggerated and what part my own kid played, but i do know that the solution is to avoid eachother for a few days or weeks to let things blow over. [/quote]

The moms complaining about every interaction are a problem for sure but you are still giving WAY to much credence to what your kids are saying. Like I would take a kid's claim that "we aren't allowed to tell him to stop laying with us because his mom complains to the school or something" with like a mountain of salt. How would they even have that info? No teacher is telling them "okay you guys can't tell Larlo to stop stomping on your toes because his mom complains." Which means they are getting this second hand from another kid and who knows who that kid got it from.

In terms of parents, I only trust my own personal experience (like if a parent has contacted me directly or has directly told me what they did). Schools can't tell you what other parents are doing, and kids aren't reliable. IME if a mom is a big overstepper and freaking out about every interaction, you learn about it because you hear from that mom directly. I also had a situation once where the mom was AT the school all the time (under the auspices of volunteering) and I saw her behavior and heard about it from other parents who also saw it. But I'm not trusting my kid to tell me what other kids parents are doing because I know my kids and their friends get super confused about this stuff. 2nd/3rd/4th is the worst for it -- they are arrogant and think they know everything but actually know very little and it causes all kinds of problems. Do not rely on kids this age to deliver accurate reports about school happenings.[/quote]

Ok did you finish reading my post before typing this?  Because the last line was this, "Because yeah I don't know the details and how much is exaggerated and what part my own kid played, but i do know that the solution is to avoid eachother for a few days or weeks to let things blow over."  I clearly take what he says with a grain of salt.  But I also tell him, hey it sounds like things are tough on the playground right know with Larlo, why don't you take a break from basketball for a week until stuff blows over.  Because even if my kid were a bully and he isn't telling me that- the solution is to leave larlo to his own devices for a while and stop bugging him, right? Same if larlo is the bully- avoid him for a while.  I don't have to know how much blame each kid deserves to recommend avoidance. [/quote]

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