Reply to Feeling resentful after sacrificing for my DH’s career

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Reply to "Feeling resentful after sacrificing for my DH’s career—how to restore balance?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working. [/quote]

Wow.  This isn’t what I have seen AT ALL. 
[/quote]

Ehhh I've seen it.. 
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I feel like the really bright, hardworking, likable young women end up working part time or taking a big step back after having children. 
(No comment on anyone else).  [/quote]

Pregnancy, labor, postpartum, breastfeeding are biological reasons but patriarchal setting is the major reason. [/quote]

It's easy to complain about something, but what is your actual solution. "It's the patriarchy" is not much more than a slogan, I'm sure you have more than this, and if not maybe just don't say it. This phenomenon, women stepping back, exists even the parts of our society that have incredibly progressive benefits, etc., and when leadership is aggressively trying to promote women professionally. (Think top tier investment banks, consultancies, etc.) I think what you're proposing must be a culture change. But you have to recognize that at least some part of this is coming from what women want, not what men are forcing them to do. Do you want them to want something else? And how do you get your head around the condescension implicit in that?[/quote]

I don’t think that men think of themselves as “forcing” their wives to do anything.  They are just doing what they need to do, and they don’t really think how it will affect their wives and children.  They tell their wives to do “whatever makes them happy” in terms of working or staying at home.  Meanwhile, a lot of men can’t [b](won't) [/b]predictably drop-off or pick up kids from school or daycare, can’t [b](won't) [/b]take off at the last minute or leave in the middle of the day for a sick child, can’t [b](won't)[/b] say “no” to whatever thing requires them to travel more or come in early or stay late, especially if it means extra money or getting in a good word with the boss, etc etc.

I think the culture shift is happening, but it’s slow.  Essentially, men with children should be seen like women with children.  And it should be assumed, by men and by their employer, that they will be doing 1/2 the childcare at home.  
[/quote]

Fixed it for you.

My DH and I have a mostly egalitarian marriage, and though I made more sacrifices earlier on my career, I had more growth potential and, indeed, my career has gone further than his and beginning about the time our kids were in middle school, I made more (and then much more) money. The reason I was able to hang onto my career was that on the beginning I did not allow DH to say "can't." When we worked out daycare drop off and pick up and then he wanted to pursue something at work that would have meant he couldn't pick up DC1 at daycare, as we had agreed,  I said, "who's going to pick up DC?" And that's all I said. We didn't entertain my making more sacrifices in order to pick up DC, because I didn't allow it to be entertained. You know, just like so many men do.

OP, what you should say to your DH is along the lines of what I said to mine 27 years ago. "What are you going to do?" You do this thing on Friday mornings. Period, end of story. He can work from home or go to the office or go to a coffee shop or whatever he wants. But having you not do your Friday morning thing is not on the table. Don't entertain it. Just gray rock this BS completely. I am thoroughly annoyed on your behalf.[/quote]

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