Reply to Feeling resentful after sacrificing for my DH’s career

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Reply to "Feeling resentful after sacrificing for my DH’s career—how to restore balance?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working. [/quote]

Wow.  This isn’t what I have seen AT ALL. 
[/quote]

Ehhh I've seen it.. 
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I feel like the really bright, hardworking, likable young women end up working part time or taking a big step back after having children. 
(No comment on anyone else).  [/quote]

Pregnancy, labor, postpartum, breastfeeding are biological reasons but patriarchal setting is the major reason. [/quote]

It's easy to complain about something, but what is your actual solution. "It's the patriarchy" is not much more than a slogan, I'm sure you have more than this, and if not maybe just don't say it. This phenomenon, women stepping back, exists even the parts of our society that have incredibly progressive benefits, etc., and when leadership is aggressively trying to promote women professionally. (Think top tier investment banks, consultancies, etc.) I think what you're proposing must be a culture change. But you have to recognize that at least some part of this is coming from what women want, not what men are forcing them to do. Do you want them to want something else? And how do you get your head around the condescension implicit in that?[/quote]

I don’t think that men think of themselves as “forcing” their wives to do anything.  They are just doing what they need to do, and they don’t really think how it will affect their wives and children.  They tell their wives to do “whatever makes them happy” in terms of working or staying at home.  Meanwhile, a lot of men can’t predictably drop-off or pick up kids from school or daycare, can’t take off at the last minute or leave in the middle of the day for a sick child, can’t say “no” to whatever thing requires them to travel more or come in early or stay late, especially if it means extra money or getting in a good word with the boss, etc etc.

I think the culture shift is happening, but it’s slow.  Essentially, men with children should be seen like women with children.  And it should be assumed, by men and by their employer, that they will be doing 1/2 the childcare at home.

[/quote]

That culture shift has been in slow reverse for the last 10-15 years bc women have on average, but of course not always, stronger preferences to be at home than men do. In the face of that reality a 50/50 assumption seems somewhat paternalistic. Or maternalistic, should we say.

As far the weaponized incompetence stuff, that trope needs to die. Everybody does it, men and women, and both do it in a way that is consistent with enforcing gender roles. [/quote]

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