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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Having seen via my extended family how damaging estrangement can be, I’m of the opinion that you should only cut off close family members in cases of real abuse (not, they hurt my feelings)/for safety reasons. But this is an unpopular opinion on DCUM.

Almost any relationship has some strife at some point. It’s actually not normal for relationships and life to be stress-free, completely comfortable all the time, etc. So other strategies like setting boundaries, continuing the relationship on your own terms, reducing but not eliminating contact are almost always better than cutting someone out of your life completely. [/quote]

Often with estrangement the "suffering" shifts. In dysfunctional systems people need a scapegoat and that scapegoat faces decades of pain. When the scapegoat sets boundaries, they are ignored and over time that person moves toward estrangement, the "suffering" shifts. The scapegoat often feels peace and safety, but now those who unleashed suffer without a new target and often they are into keeping up appearances and they suffer from the shame.

So yes, estrangement causes suffering. So does allowing the dysfunction to continue. It's sad that people would prefer the family member targeted suffer rather than have those who cause him or her pain deal with the consequences of their actions. To this poster, if it makes you uncomfortable that the suffering has shifted to the perpetrator, then I encourage you to get help to figure out why you side with those who cause harm. I think you also need to try to better understand what emotional and verbal abuse look like. It's a "they hurt my feelings" a few time. It's far more insidious, manipulative and damaging. Why the need to minimize that form of abuse? Even if you don't think if happened, when you see a friend get divorced and you see how much happier she is, do you criticize her for not continuing to allow her husband to "hurt her feelings" for sport?[/quote]

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