Reply to WWYD? Elderly parents out of state

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I am the person who keeps saying get a geriatric care manager and who curled up on the floor when she called. 
The care manager said my mother was a narcissist. I asked why wasn't I one too. She said,"it's because YOU have empathy. Your mother never did and never will." 
We cannot change them. We can change how we react. We can change what we do. 
[/quote]
Multiple people have suggested a care manager and OP stated she will look into it.

I think it’s a mistake to engage in all this internet diagnosing- and if your mom’s care manager isn’t qualified to make a diagnosis, she shouldn’t be either. OP stated her mom had a personality disorder but I don’t think she stated which one. We provide better help and support when we listen to what’s actually happening and respond to that instead of labeling and projecting. [/quote]

Are you saying that people with diagnosed personality disorders can change? [/quote]
That it isn’t what I was saying, but it’s no longer accepted that all personality disorders are untreatable. That’s actually very outdated. That said, an elderly person in declining is not likely to want or comply with treatment for a personality disorder aside from medication. The personality disorders that respond more to medication aren’t the ones that people are typically dealing with here. My point was that internet diagnosis isn’t a great basis for advice. It’s better to listen to the specific issues and respond to those.[/quote]

I think oftentimes people respond by recognizing the behavior as the one they've seen before. I for example don't know if my mom has ever been diagnosed with anything as she has never said anything and we don't have a type of relationship where we talk about these things, but she has had issues with her behavior her whole life (and lots of destroyed relationships to show for it, including her family-of-origin, all DILs, no friends left). A personality disordered behavior obviously fits a certain pattern: this is how these things are diagnosed. People who participate in these threads often have decades-long experiences with their own parents, have seen certain behavior over and over and also have tried one and the other thing. Usually what happens is that an adult child tries to accommodate a personality disordered person's demands and outbursts, often for decades, but at some point those demands and accusations become so outrageous, irrational and harmful that the adult child has to escape in order to save themselves. It becomes a matter of survival. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what the exact diagnosis is or isn't. What matters is the message we try to convey that the adult child will never be able to satisfy their personality disordered parent's demands, no matter what they do, and instead of killing themselves in the process (which at some point will manifest in actual symptoms) they need to let go. The problem is not a parent "out of state", the problem is a parent who has a personality disorder and behaves accordingly, who happens to live out of state.  [/quote]
I understand what you are saying, but the OP didn’t ask and hasn’t indicated that they want to estrange. They asked for advice about navigating this situation with a difficult mother and challenging circumstances with the sister. Some of the details that emerged changed the picture a bit wrt sister, and most people landed in the same place, which was try to involve a care manager if you can, see if you can improve communication with sister, and you don’t have to listen to the tirades. [/quote]

The OP said this in her first post: "I've been told by plenty of people over the years to just go no contact, but I've tried to do my best to continue a relationship and put some boundaries in place with how I will allow myself to be treated." This is the crux of the matter. The personality disordered mom is escalating her behavior because she's at the end of her life. It's very common. "But, getting verbally attacked and insulted weekly now because I don't live there is taking a toll." -- the OP still has an impression that she's getting attacked because she doesn't live there. No, she's getting attacked because that's what a personality disordered person does, and this behavior is ramping up because like a drowning person, she's grasping at the straws. [/quote]

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