Reply to DH's angry parenting is ruining our family

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "DH's angry parenting is ruining our family"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thanks for the helpful responses. As to the divorce depabte, ther eality is that the courts award 50% custody by default unless there is serious documented physical abuse, which our situation doesn't qualify as. He has never thrown anything at our child like a PP suggested. He has for example thrown her backpack angrily down the stairs when she won't get ready for school. But that's why I photographed the mark, to start compiling evidence in case we do get to divorce territory someday. But just one photo of a red mark won't alter the 50% default. That's why I'm not divorcing; I refuse to give up my kids. It's easy to say "Oh I'd never let my husband do that, he'd be gone in a heartbeat" until you actually think it through and look up divorce laws. I do think I can get him to make the effort to change, because I've pulled away from him physically and emotionally, and he'll want to change that, even if he won't change for his kids.

And yes, his father was angry irritable and physical as well, so that's a factor. Turns out he had undiagnosed depression for my DH's whole childhood, so I that's why I think that's a possibility for DH. NOw his dad is on meds and way more calm.

Thanks for the recommendation for the PEP class, I'll definitely look into that.

Also, I'm not a permissive parent; we have several tools that I use to enforce loving boundaries, including 1-2-3- timeout, saying "try again", natural consequences, etc. My husband always forgets to use them no matter how many times I remind him. I'm not perfect either; I have yelled at my kids on occasion, though I'm generally pretty even-keeled. But even when I yell, I apologize profusely and repair the relationship. That's one of DH's big problems, is he never repairs adequately, so the hurts keep mounting.[/quote]

OP I think it would be really helpful for you to get individual therapy with a family systems therapist to sort out what you can do and cannot do. You have to distinguish between the things you can’t accept (like the grabbing/throwing/being scary) and your DH not parenting the way you think is best. There will be a lot you let go, but also some things you have to stand absolutely firm on.

Here is my story. My exDH was similarly short tempered and put his hands on our kid and was scary. His own father had been physically abusive as well and his mother not abusive but a spanker (like no grandma I will not “pop” the toddler on the hand for being naughty.) ExDH refused any sort of parent training (he attended but did not pay attention/argued with the therapist) so I just attended myself and learned how to properly discipline (I was inconsistent and too permissive and our kid did have difficult behaviors).

I was very concerned about exDH’s interactions with our child when he was younger (maybe starting around 4). Any time that I saw him do anything physical (for example physically stop DC from getting up when they were doing homework together) I was right there in exDH’s face, stopping the interaction or watching like a hawk. exDH knew very very clearly (because I made it clear) that he could not get away with anything physical on my watch.

While this was happening there were many other parenting issues I disagreed with. DH never used any of the parenting tools I learned, he wouldn’t do things like “validate emotions,” could be short with DC, etc etc. Later on our DC had some bigger emotional issues and DH’s response was basically a variety of “be a man and buck up!” And DH can be sort of harsh about DC’s shortcomings. So yeah not exactly a follower of Dr Becky.

But … I had to force myself eventually to let go of trying to micromanage anything about their relationship except the things that were truly non-negotiable: no physical violence, feed the kid, get kid to bed at a reasonable hour.

Over time DC calmed down and DH stopped getting angry. part of this was DH avoiding anything difficult with DC and DC learning DH’s limits. Anything difficult (like chores etc) was left to me. Also over time it became apparent to me that DH had his own way and gifts he brought to DC as a parent (a type of unconditional love that DC knows is there) and lots of other stuff that would be too long to list here. I did have to give up my notion that I knew the best way to parent or that “good parenting” by definition means always overthinking things or applying a method.

At the end of the day exDH and DC have a sort of old-school father-son relationship - warm but not emotionally deep, with a lot of distance between them in terms of actual demands on each other. Like bros lol.

Oh and we got divorced because exDH was a d*ck to me and I got sick of him.

[/quote]

NP how did you convince your DH to stop the rough handling / throwing? My DH does that to our child when he gets escalated. Like OP he has not thrown stuff at the kid but has thrown stuff to the wall, down the stairs, etc when child did not want to do stuff or was yelling. But I talked to him multiple times and he will not stop. If anything he does the same thing to me. These things though don’t matter in a divorce so that’s why I stay. [/quote]

I physically stand there and say “DH do NOT touch DC.” Then I hover. I don’t talk to him about it but respond in the moment. The only thing I said not in the moment is “I will call 911 if you touch me or kid, and you know I will.” [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics