Reply to How to talk to DH about my feelings?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Yes the teens help, and [b]yes we can afford to outsource. That’s not really the point.[/b] I would like him to just be a more active member of our family. He used to be more involved, when the kids were younger and he worked fewer hours (but still a lot.)

And no I don’t pressure him to work this much, we live on significantly less than he makes and I’m fine with that. My income is basically irrelevant - I do it because I like it and it helps keep me sane.

I feel like Jen Anniston in that movie where she screams “I want you to WANT to do the dishes!” except it’s not dishes. It’s more that I want him to WANT to have a more active role in our lives. He’s leaned too much into almost a Don Draper/1950’s mentality and I don’t like it or want it. [/quote]

But it kind of is the point. There are only so many hours in the day, so if he figures he's spending 1 hour a day walking the dog a couple of times, he could instead spend that 1 hour doing something with or for the family and you could hire a dog walker. Now, if he likes walking the dog, then maybe the dog walker only does it once a day and he does it the other time, thereby freeing up 30 minutes for him to do something with the family.

Fundamentally, if he doesn't WANT to spend time with you or your kids, then you need to come to terms with that and decide what you want to do in that environment. If he feels overwhelmed with the things he HAS to do (work, dog walking), then maybe you can have a conversation to see how you (as a couple) can take some things off his plate. (I'm being a bit tongue in cheek here if all he does is work and walk the dog...).

You seem to have these vague notions of how things SHOULD be, but if you both don't want things to be that way, then you have a real problem. My husband and I have structured our life in a way that works for us. We sleep in separate bedrooms, for example, because he snores and I need sleep. It doesn't affect our lives on other levels (such as intimacy), and it works for us. Might not work for you, and that's ok. We also do order food out at least once a week. Is Chipotle as healthy as something we could cook at home? No. Is it easy and enjoyable for us and our kids and does it make our lives easier knowing we don't have to plan to make anything that night? Yes. You might be offended at the idea of feeding your kids take out, in which case, that plan isn't for you. But if works for us.

Bottom line - you need to figure out where you and your husband stand on all thins and how far apart you really are. [/quote]

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