Reply to Do you 3rd graders do lots of sleepovers?

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm a white person born and raised in the US and have reservations about sleepovers. I think they are one of those "rites of passage" that Americans in the 80s decided were perfunctory but that could stand to be re-examined.

I did sleepovers growing up and nothing so bad as sexual assault happened, but looking back, they weren't really a net positive. There was a lot of relational aggression ("mean girl" style bullying) that I either received it was pressured to participate in. The peak age for sleep overs is also an age when kids are eager to prove how mature they are while also having NO IDEA about most things. I saw R rated movies on sleepovers that disturbed me, but I couldn't discuss with an adult because I didn't want to get in trouble for having watched them. Sleepovers encourage more emotional intimacy, but can also lead to being rejected for revealing something they don't like. I have a couple bizarre memories of some friends really going after me for being Catholic at a sleepover (they were evangelical and had been told that Catholics worship the Virgin Mary and other false idols -- we were like 11 and was not prepared to defend the religion I was born into and just felt judged as a bad person at the time).

I have a DD now and I'm open to sleepovers with select friends. I think the group sleepovers often have terrible dynamics, tho. Also my DD is young for her grade and immature for her age, so I *am* protective of things like her self esteem and her innocence around things like sex and more complex social dynamics -- I want to make sure her exposure to these things matches what she's ready for and that she has trusted adults to talk about it with when she needs to.

IMO the people who view sleepovers as essential and an unqualified good either were fortunate in their adolescent sleepover experiences, or may have been the instigators of some of the behaviors I'm talking about, and therefore might not realize how negative it can be for the younger, less mature, less socially dominant kids. Sleepovers can be a minefield with no escape until morning. Plus my kid can be so timid with adults she doesn't know well, and I know if she was miserable, she'd just tough it out rather than ask to go home.

We're waiting a bit, and being discerning. There's no set timeline and no, they aren't necessary for development.[/quote]

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