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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]We only have OP’s description of providing substantial caregiving, which by her own account is not exactly what’s being provided. Caregiving typically refers to activities of daily living, which sounds more like what you were providing. Hiring movers, picking up milk at Target, talking to potential facilities’ staff, and helping a parent throw things away and prepare for moving are not the same.[/quote]

Until you have done this, as I have had to do for a parent with dementia, you dont really understand how much time it can take. I do not shower my mother (though I have and cleaned up sh&t) or do her laundry anymore, as she is now in memory care, but the organization of her finances and life, her many doctors' appointments (and because she has dementia, this is not something I could outsource as she could not fill out any paperwork); multiple hours long ER and urgent care visits; dealing with insurance, medicare, etc; and buying everything she needs, from clothing to diapers/wipes, to an eczema cream; and of course unwinding all the accounts and downsizing out of her home (the OP's description of trying to cancel an account is spot on).

I have pretty much stopped medical appointments at this point in dementia, but until this year, she would have them almost weekly. An appointment at 2 meant leaving work at noon. Getting to my mom's at 12:30. Even though I had spoken with her multiple times about being ready, still took her 30 minutes to get into the car. Get to the doctors at 1:30. She has limited mobility but I can't leave her in front of the building and park because last time I did that she wandered away. So I park and even the handicapped spots (I finally did get a pass to use with her) are, for her, a 10 min minimum walk to the doctors. We get there and they dont see us until 2:45. We are done by 3:15. Then it takes her 20 minutes to go to the bathroom. I get her back to her place at 4, and take her upstairs, get her settled in, then have to find the nursing office to make sure they have the new RX (and will have to follow up the next day), so I finally leave and at home at 5, just in time to drive my kids to after school activities.  It was exhausting, but also really impacted my work, and I would have to try to catch up nights/weekends as so much of what I do is deadline driven. so yeah, my job is "flexible" in terms of leaving or taking off hours, but not in terms of when I have to turn in deliverables. It also takes time away from my own kids, health, etc. Aside from "social" visits, I was spending an average of 10 hours a week on my mom's care, and that does not include the 3 weeks I took off (my full vacation for the year) to downsize her. ANd that was not "helping her thrown thigns away," she was completely incapable at that point of making decisions, and had been scammed of hundreds of thousands of dollars, while my sibling was supposedly overseeing her finances. That's when I stepped in.

The other thing that doesn't get mentioned here is how often women are the caretakers. When my mom first received the diagnosis of Alzheimers, she was so upset. And she said something in front of the doctor to me--"I hate how much of a burden this has been and will be on you." And the (male) doctor's response was "that's what daughters are for." I was SO PISSED. But of course, in my case, my brother hasn't lifted a finger. I had to move my mom across the country so that I could make sure she got the care she needed, while he does whatever he wants. [/quote]

That sounds very difficult, and yes, there needs to be more understanding and societal discussion of how more assistance of this type can be provided for aging parents who need it, without completely taking over the lives of their adult children.

OP’s question was to find out how she could be paid her work rate for her efforts in caring for her parent, including retroactively. Because she is not providing dementia care or daily caregiving, differentiating between gifts and income is particularly important, especially without any POAs established. She really needs to speak with a professional to sort things through, moving forward.[/quote]

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