Reply to Is there a "good way" to be a vessel for your family members' anxieties?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP it's not about "fixing" her by forcing therapy. It's about not enabling her but being her dumping ground. She decides if she gets therapy or not, but you don't make it easy for her to avoid it but letting her to this destructive dance. of course, she feels better just like a junkie feels better when he gets a hit, but the feeling doesn't last and the addiction is destructive. Of course she cycles. Mental illness often involves swings. Healthy people do not obsessively blame others and expect people to be their dumping ground. You need to figure out what YOU are getting out of this. Then you will be able to have real boundaries. You seem to be fixated on being a "good daughter" and that will make you easy to manipulate. She basically tells you that you are good for allowing her to dump. She will likely turn on you and indicate you are BAD when you set more boundaries. You need an internal locus of control. Is it good to enable bad behavior just so you get to feel like you are a good girl?[/quote]

I don’t care anymore if I’m a “good daughter”. What’s harder for me to handle is when she starts spiraling into depression and saying it would be better if she just died so that she wasn’t such burden on me and my brother.  Every time she says that, it eats at me. Maybe she wants me to say, no mom, you’re not a burden, we want you to live and all these reassurances, but I can’t get myself to say it. Because I do feel like it’s a little manipulative on her part.

What do I get out of this? I get a mom who doesn’t progressively sink down into a depression spiral, which feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders. I get a mom who still experiences a decent quality of life in her final years, who can enjoy her friendships and her independence while she can. I get a mom who has at least some semblance of a relationship with my kids. I get peace of mind that she is okay.

There are short periods in her life where she seems to be happy and busy with her friends. I praise her for it. And I’m happy for her. But then there’s always another crisis or something or other that happens that sends her reeling again. [/quote]

She’s manipulating you with her dramatic talk and you are using the same dramatic language. You are not saving her from sinking. I think you need a professional like a geriatric social worker involved. They have ways of winning over challenging elderly. When she says concerning things, you have the social worker do an extra check. You are too enmeshed and she needs professional expertise. Figure out with the socialworker how to get her foot in the door for a trial. Figure out with your therapist how to cope when mom accuses you of abandoning her or even just when she guilt trips and manipulates.[/quote]

This is what my therapist told me to do in the past:  Spend more quality time with her, hold her hand while I'm with her.  Empathize with her feelings, tell her I love her.  Set up a routine call time when I call her at the same time each day and a set amount of time.  Work with my kids and her to develop a stronger relationship between them, think of projects that they can do together. [/quote]

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