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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Whatever you do don't marry. Keep living together and keep your finances separate. If possible, keep your own residence too. Rent it out if needed but don't get rid of it.

My BF has an adult daughter who has never warmed up to me. (I came along years after the divorce, FWIW. She was in her mid-teens at the time.)

She is now into her 30s, married and has children of her own. Nothing has changed.

She has never been rude or nasty, she just makes it clear she has no interest in knowing me as a person and does not want a relationship with me.

We have never had a significant conversation about anything. When I ask her questions, I get one word or very brief responses. She has never looked me in the eye and always averts her gaze away from me. This is after almost 20 years.

She has never, not once, asked me anything about my life - my family, job, activities. Nothing. Zero interest.

I thought I did all I could; read all the books, asked family counselors questions, did all the things suggested like made sure her and her dad had one-on-one time and went on vacations together, etc.

I never spoke ill of her mother and in fact, her mother has actually been warmer to me than she has. Her mother remarried within a year of the divorce and the daughter had no problem accepting that man.

With her eventual maturity I hoped things would change. They have not. Years ago I accepted that she does not want a relationship with me whatever her reason and I respect that. I have gone grey rock.

If I see her I am polite but I no longer ask questions or try to warm her up - that ship has sailed and I'm not interested in her either.

Simply said, there are some daughters who will NEVER accept another woman in their father's life. My BF's is one of them. He is embarrassed and broken hearted at the way she dismisses me but he knows he can never confront her or else risk losing the fragile relationship he has with her, and now her kids.

The BEST thing I did was not to marry him. Once I realized how his daughter felt I did not want to be in a position where it came to "her or me" type of issues.

The cold hard truth is that many men WILL pick their daughter (even adults) over any other woman in their life, including their second wife,  should conflict arise. They would take a crumb or two from their daughter once in awhile and be lonely the rest of the time, rather than invest in a full life with another woman.

As the girlfriend, even the live-in girlfriend, it was easier than being the wife - where I feel I would have had more a legitimate right to my input on finances, vacation time, etc. I also knew I could pack up and leave anytime and go back to my own home. In some way, I think knowing I had an exit path actually kept me in the relationship longer and made me work at it a bit harder.

All I know OP is if you feel there is reluctance on the part of the daughter, that is just the tip of the iceberg. She probably has deep resentments and no amount of time or life events will cure that.

I recently had lunch with a woman who remarried in her 70s to a man in his 80s. There was a prenup and all inheritance issues were not changed one iota. Yet the man's daughter (in her 60s!!) has not accepted this woman's place as her father's wife.

So it doesn't change with time, with age or with circumstance.

This young woman will never accept you and it will always be a wedge in your relationship you have no way to remedy and no control over.

[/quote]

OP here.  I appreciate this so much.  I think it might be better for us just to live together or perhaps have a ceremony without getting legally married.  From reading here, it seems that this can cause all sorts of issues down the road.  My boyfriend spends quite a bit of time with his daughter (special visits, vacations etc.) and I have no problem with this at all.  In fact, I also enjoy spending one-on-one time with my own child so this works well for me.  I cannot predict what the future holds and how this young lady will feel towards me.  I can only be myself and take one day at the time. [b] I'm a good person.  I'm generous and likeable and I realize that I cannot control the emotions or feelings of others towards me.  [/b][/quote]

See, here's what you're missing. The world is full of good people. People who are generous and likeable. But that's not enough. Finding someone generous and likeable isn't saying "I want this person to be at all my family events forever, I want to spend time with their adult child,[b] I want them in the most intimate moments of my parents' life, I want them to have a tremendous amount of influence over my parent[/b]." That's wayyyy more than finding someone generous and likeable! Not everyone likes everyone enough to support a stepfamily relationship, that's the bottom line here. [/quote]

You sound like a brat. Grow up, you aren't a pouty 13 year old anymore. You do not get to chose who your parent spends intimate moments with, or who influences your parent. This goes for all parents, not just divorced ones. [/quote]

You sound like you have no reading comprehension. I'm not trying to choose who my parent spends *their* moments with. I'm saying it's unpleasant to have someone foisted into *my* moments. Like the birth of my child for example. The overall point is, being a nice and likeable person generally is not enough to make other people want to treat someone as a close family member. You don't get that from everyone in the family just because you married. Nobody else chose you. We're all just stuck with you. Stop acting like you're entitled to be treated as a family member.[/quote]

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