Reply to AITA? Mortgage still in my name

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would file in court with my lawyer tomorrow. It could still take years. Obviously he doesn’t care about being in contempt of court. At least get the process started.

Stop communicating with him. Maybe write one more message that he’s taken advantage of you for years and you’re not taking it anymore. And please communicate through the attorney from now on. And that’s it.

And even if he commits suicide it’s not your fault. Just telling you that now. Not at all.[/quote]

OP here. Thanks for this. 
Another commenter mentioned something about me “still hanging on” or something like that. I have zero romantic feelings or hopes with him. I want nothing to do with him. The reason I’ve been way too patient is because of his mental health. And partly because I have been harboring guilt.
I did the right thing for MY mental health and my life, but I do truly feel bad for him and I know he feels like I abandoned him, stopped supporting him, not honoring our vows etc. But again I had to get out. [/quote]

I was that poster, and everything you posted is exactly what I meant.

You seem like a nice person that really wanted your marriage to work, you still feel badly that it didn't, and you're still hoping your ex gets it together - for his sake, not necessarily yours. But all of that is not allowing you to fully detach and get rid of this liability risk.

It's been two years since you separated. Not only is it time to press the issue on the mortgage, it's time to stop communicating with him at all and truly move on.[/quote]

I actually would read her "feeling bad" and her failure to detach and move on a little differently.  Sometimes people with addiction engage in "coercive control" which is a form of non-physical relationship abuse.  It's tricky because we think of addicts and the mentally ill as people who aren't in control of what they're doing, so on one level it's hard to think of them as abusers.  The addict isn't a bad person but his addiction often makes him abusive in order to protect and maintain the addiction or deny that he is mentally ill.

Coercive control is when the abuser reacts in threatening, intimidating, blaming or shaming ways in order to get the victim to behave the way the perpetrator wants.

OP, I was in an engagement that went bad.  I, like you, wanted to take my name off a mortgage of a house I owned with my fiance.  I enabled him to do that by agreeing to take back a second mortgage on the house, which he would pay back to me over time.  Of course, he never paid me back.  But, he still wanted to be in touch.  If I ever asked him to start paying, he would just get angry at me, and engage in DARVO -- deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.  He would say that all I cared about was money, that it was hard for him to pay the mortgage as a single person, etc.  That's an example of coercive control.  Of course, there was something in my background that caused me to be willing to accept that.

I think something similar is going on with you.  It was easier to extend the time for him to sell than to put up with more drama -- phone calls about how to figure out how to sell, anger and tears about making him move out, woe is me tails about how now he will have to pay so much more, and it's all your fault and you just want to pile on and make an unhappy end to the marriage even worse, etc.

You have to bite the bullet.  Get an attorney.  Let the attorney be the bad guy.  I bet you will be surprised that your ex figures out the sale in a way that he doesn't become homeless.[/quote]

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