Reply to Working Moms and Do It All Expectation

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]On I'm Chicago and I saw the exact same post. It was on Facebook. I am inundated in Facebook with stuff about "overwhelmed moms" and it feels synthetic to me. Also lots of stuff about lazy uninvolved husbands which mine is certainly not.
Somebody out there wants you resentful.
I work half time hours and I am happy and not overwhelmed at all. Of course I don't make DCUM money. [/quote]

Agreed. All I see all around me are wonderful dads who are very, very involved. Why is there a constant narrative about men not doing enough? Go to any playground and it's full of men hanging out with their kids. Men are at all the school events at equal numbers to the moms present.

Honestly I'm glad I'm not a man because of all the constant hate that dads seem to get, despite all the chores they do, plus bringing home 50%+ of the income. My dh absolutely pulls his own weight. Despite all this, boomer women thank him and praise him for babysitting his own kids when he's at the grocery store with them (I haven't stepped into a grocery store in years, that's dh's chore). A relative couldn't get over how dh changed diapers (what?!!?). Millennial men have shown up for their wives and kids. [/quote]

+1. Gen X woman with two kids now in their twenties.  My own mother landed a doctor. Who was of course abusive and cheated. She left him, went back to teaching and every month panicked about whether child support would come.  She drilled into me that women should always be able to support themselves and any kids they have. I have drilled into my son and daughter that parents- either gender— should always be capable at any time of supporting themselves and any children they have. Doesn’t have to be a $2 million house- safe housing, decent education, healthy food standard of living is fine. You want to be a SAH mom or dad— that’s great— it’s a hard job, but worth it because being there for your kids is amazing.  But— you always keep your skills, credentials, licenses, networks up to date.

I always knew I wanted a 50% partner to parent. I was clear on that before we got married and before we had kids. And, I have had a 50% partner in parenting. And both of us did slow down at work to make it happen. I’m a government attorney. He’s a software engineer, but flexible not crazy hours.  And most people I know have spouses who are 50% parents. And there were crazy periods— a toddler and a newborn and the year two kids were in different high schools and not driving come to mind. And we are solidly UMC and sent two kids to good colleges with no debt.

Yes— if I went Big law or DH went all in on his job and got lucky with options, we could come close to our combined income. But, for us, the income isn’t the point. The kids and our family is the point.  I wouldn’t trade my time with my kids for a big law job.  And here’s the thing— DH wouldn’t  trade his time with the kids for double the salary. What’s missing from the conversation is that my kids have really strong close relationships with both their parents. As they become adults, we are there for them in different ways because we have different strengths.  And they come to us for different things. But DH has the bond with the kids of night time feedings and taking care of them when they were sick, and running a zillion carpools overhearing secrets from the back seat and family dinner every night and both parents attending PT conferences and school events. I know DH treasurers that relationship, and I certainly see my kids bonded to DH in a way neither of us are with our dads. And I’m confident in the relationship I have with my kids and fine with sharing it, because it’s what’s best for the people I love most.  I don’t have to be their primary support. Love isn’t finite. There’s plenty to go around.  I think kids lose something when one parents travels a lot and is working 80 hour weeks. And that continues into adulthood relationships with your kids. And that is something that isn’t discussed. You are looking at building a lifelong relationship.  Hopefully it’s not 18 years and go away.

I grew up with a divorce, then step parents. I always wanted a stable two parent family for my kids. And what the point of a two parents family if one parent is never fully present?

Plus, I love spending time with my husband.  I want him around.  [/quote]

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